God's best

This is it

The moment I've waited for so long

Before I was lost

Now I am lost in the moment

Thinking that every step I make

Leads me to spending forever

With you

Everyone's looking at me

With smiles on their faces

But among them, yours is the best

As I walk slowly

You waited at the altar patiently

I know right there and then

You are my God's best

I thought it's just a dream

But now you're my reality

Because you're here

My God's best

The answer to my heart's desire

I'd say I do even before you ask

Coz now I am sure

I am certain that you are for me

and I am for you

Coz between us is Jesus

Now I am ready to love you forever

You earned the key to my heart

For God handed it to you

So now let me sing this song to you

Coz you are my God's best

Your ability to love selflessly

will remind me of Christ

Thank you for your respect

For keeping yourself and me pure before God

I will always declare

How great of a man you are

You are one of a kind

You are neatly molded

Crafted to perfection

By God who knows my needs and imperfection

You are worth the wait...

To the 25-year old me :)

Below you will read a letter I wrote for myself last February 11, 2015. I wasn't able to read it when I was 25. I accidentally saw it as I re-read my old diaries. It was so peaceful to read this knowing that I am encouraging and assuring myself that no matter what happens. everything's' gonna be okay.

So here it is.

Hello! I am your 23 year-old self. I am writing this letter to you because today, someone let me read her letter to her 25 year old self. She's amazing and she's one of the sweetest sister in Christ I have ever had. I liked the idea of doing the same thing. 

I got infatuated with someone and I think I actually liked him on the first time we met. It was 1 year since. But it doesn't feel so real. I actually wrote a song, he is the inspiration, but I ended up singing it for my unknown future husband. 

Today, you feel nothing. I am not even smiling as I write this. I just want to let you know that today, you stopped taking the risks of falling in love again and focused on God and yourself instead. Whenever I imagine being 25, being you,  I remember YATZ. The first guy to ever break your heart. Because you promised each other that when you both reach 25 and single, you two will be together. But I guess that's a promise made to be broken because you lost communication with him two years ago. You've made many failures. You've been through many heartaches, but you're a fighter because now, I know you're stronger than me. 

You actually don't know where your journey was heading now. But you are believing that God is with you always. 

Right now, 25-year old me, I hope you're with someone. Sharing your journey and glorifying God in everything you do. I know you are at a place where you want to be. Are you a writer? A photographer? or a full time musician/music teacher? Whatever you are doing, I AM PROUD OF YOU! I hope you won't forget how God has been so amazing in your life. You might be planning your wedding right now, or just having a coffee with the ONE. But I am telling you, you are dreaming about that at this moment as a 23-year old. You are dreaming about that sweet talks with your love and joyride while you are at a passenger seat. You'll go hiking, site seeing, eating, and just travelling around the world with him! 

Be strong, 25 year-old self. God is so faithful, really faithful ans I want you to know that He's been guarding your heart for that man you are with today. <3 I love you, self. 

Loving you, 

23 year-old YOU. 


NOW:

As I read this, it actually gave me goosebumps. Like WOW!!! Maybe it was meant for me to read it as a 27 year-old self. It so happens that I read it at the right time and right situation. It's amazing! God is indeed moving mysteriously!

Thank you 23 year-old me. You encouraged me a assured me of so many things. I love you.

C R U S H

You caught me
As I look away after looking at you
Blinking
As if I didn't saw you
Trying to compose my self
Looking as demure as I can be

Feels like in a lucid dream
You were almost real to me
As I yearn for an attention
Taking a peek of your wonders

I'm afraid to take one step closer
for you are as vague as fog in the sky
But I want to take a leap
taking one step away
holding back everything

You are my worst trial
But my best forever
You come at me like a thunder
Like a raging storm in my head
I couldn't sleep thinking about you

but yes, we are nothing
you are just a character in a story
I am just a reader
giving me high hopes
and uncanny feelings
for you and I will never happen
never we will happen

I wished.

It was as if the night wasn't coming to an end. That it will always be dark, dim, and blurry. Tonight you told me your wish, your fist and last wish.

We have this habit to ask each other for a wish. "What's your wish?" we utter. But it has always been you asking me for one. It has always been me having my wish come true. You were good at making me happy. You've put a flower in my heart and grows it to a tree. You are best at making me feel worthy.

I wasn't planning to love you anyway. But I still fell on your misery, good misery. You have taken me to places I've never been to, like in the river of tears, ocean of pain, and mountains of suffering. You have made a traveler out of me.

So, my wish? I wished that I can make you happy. I wished on staying by your side the night. I wished that can eat my favorite cookies and ice cream with you. I wished that we would read a book together. I wished that you hug me when I am sad. I wished that I can take a photo with you. I wished I can hold you closer to me. I wished that we could be. Everything I wished came true, because of you. The last wish made you say your wish. I was excited, jumping on the inside, waiting for your wish.

"I wish we will be friends, forever."

I almost forgot, I granted your wish and you answer my last wish with this. :) Friends.

My battle with depression

Looking blankly at the screen for like an hour and I still don't know what to say. I don't think someone would bother to visit this page and read my posts. I am just a writer who reads her own writings. Yep, sad. But to tell you this, I've been battling depression for three long years already. I don't know what to do with my life.

I've been jumping from one job to another and feeling that nothing can ever satisfy me. I am tired of my not being able to know what I am up with. I am tired of living. I wanted to melt down like a candle and just disappear here on earth. I am clueless and empty. Literally empty that I feel like there's nothing beneath my flesh, just emptiness.

Some may say this is just a hormonal imbalance, yep. Because my illness (hyperthyroidism) produces more hormones than normal. But even when I explain this a trillion times, no one will really understand me, I think. Everybody says that I am just sad, just lonely, just unsatisfied, just unhappy. But I don't think I am. What I am feeling now is unexplainable. I don't think I am just sad, lonely, unsatisfied, or unhappy. It's beyond that!!!

I am tired of pretending that I okay because people around me expects me to be okay. I battle everyday. Battling to smile even when I am dying inside. Battling to make everyone happy even when I can't make myself happy. I want to take off my mask and let everyone see how I am really. But when I do, no one believes me.

If you read this, thank you. Please tell me that everything's gonna be fine and that it's okay not to be okay. I want to end this battle before I want to end this life. Because I don't want to do that.

Listen.

love,

the diarist.