GETTING CLOSER TO GOD DAY 1

Day 1 of getting closer to God, again, even when I feel nothing. 

I want to get closer to God and be deeper in my relationship with Him. 

I don’t want to get myself confused that the ministry is enough to say that I’m okay with the Lord without even reading a single word in the Bible. 

I started realizing that the bible became so unfamiliar to me when I forgot the names of the other books like Obadiah, Ruth, Esther, Nehemiah, etc. Seeing these books while my son was reciting the books of the bible woke me up to the fact that I am no longer reading the bible as I should. That I only read popular books and thought these books doesn’t exists. 

Today, July 28, I want to prioritize my relationship with the Lord over everything. Because I know that through this, God will fix everything that I am trying so hard to fix.

Before, I thought that maybe I should share my struggle to the public. Share it on social media. But it felt like I am confused with what the reality is and thinking that if I share it publicly, then it will be real. Like the real life only happens when everyone sees it online. But it’s the other way around. 

I just watched a video from RM that says the pyramid of a Christian life should be this. 

God

Wife/Husband

Kids

Work/ministry

Other family

I was totally fooled and confused that when I do ministry, it reveals my relationship with God. But I can fake everything that I am doing in the ministry just to show that I am okay, even when I am not. RM says that Ministry is equals to work. It’s a revelation and fruit of what I’ve done in number 1 (my relationship with God). If I fail on number 1, then everything else will not work well. 

I want to be able to love my husband the way God wants me to love him. And right now, I think I am failing. I may not be cheating him but not prioritizing his needs and thinking that I should be the only one to be taken care off is wrong. 

I want to raise my kids the godly way but I am trying so hard to be perfect and trying so hard for them to behave the way I want, but I can’t control my temper and I am always anxious. 

I want to be able to see ministry as something I do joyfully, not a burden. And that’s what’s wrong. I have been treating it as my relationship with God. 

I want to help my other families and be someone who can take care of them but I am not financially capable and mentally able to do all these. I saw them as a burden and thinking they’re too insensitive not to see my struggles. I forgot that the world doesn’t revolve around me. 

All these realizations humbled me. I get to see a clearer vision of what I should be doing. 

I want my husband, my child, my ministry, and my family to see me as a cheerful person who is content with the faithfulness and goodness of the Lord. I have been stressing myself figuring out what’s wrong, and it’s just right in front of me. I am missing my private time with God. That’s why my mind is full of anxiety, negative thoughts, thoughts that should not be on my mind, and the worst case scenarios, instead of God’s goodness, faithfulness, love, joy, peace, and best case scenarios. 

This is DAY 1. I may fail doing this. I may not feel like I want to continue doing this. But I will show up anyway. 

God's best

This is it

The moment I've waited for so long

Before I was lost

Now I am lost in the moment

Thinking that every step I make

Leads me to spending forever

With you

Everyone's looking at me

With smiles on their faces

But among them, yours is the best

As I walk slowly

You waited at the altar patiently

I know right there and then

You are my God's best

I thought it's just a dream

But now you're my reality

Because you're here

My God's best

The answer to my heart's desire

I'd say I do even before you ask

Coz now I am sure

I am certain that you are for me

and I am for you

Coz between us is Jesus

Now I am ready to love you forever

You earned the key to my heart

For God handed it to you

So now let me sing this song to you

Coz you are my God's best

Your ability to love selflessly

will remind me of Christ

Thank you for your respect

For keeping yourself and me pure before God

I will always declare

How great of a man you are

You are one of a kind

You are neatly molded

Crafted to perfection

By God who knows my needs and imperfection

You are worth the wait...

To the 25-year old me :)

Below you will read a letter I wrote for myself last February 11, 2015. I wasn't able to read it when I was 25. I accidentally saw it as I re-read my old diaries. It was so peaceful to read this knowing that I am encouraging and assuring myself that no matter what happens. everything's' gonna be okay.

So here it is.

Hello! I am your 23 year-old self. I am writing this letter to you because today, someone let me read her letter to her 25 year old self. She's amazing and she's one of the sweetest sister in Christ I have ever had. I liked the idea of doing the same thing. 

I got infatuated with someone and I think I actually liked him on the first time we met. It was 1 year since. But it doesn't feel so real. I actually wrote a song, he is the inspiration, but I ended up singing it for my unknown future husband. 

Today, you feel nothing. I am not even smiling as I write this. I just want to let you know that today, you stopped taking the risks of falling in love again and focused on God and yourself instead. Whenever I imagine being 25, being you,  I remember YATZ. The first guy to ever break your heart. Because you promised each other that when you both reach 25 and single, you two will be together. But I guess that's a promise made to be broken because you lost communication with him two years ago. You've made many failures. You've been through many heartaches, but you're a fighter because now, I know you're stronger than me. 

You actually don't know where your journey was heading now. But you are believing that God is with you always. 

Right now, 25-year old me, I hope you're with someone. Sharing your journey and glorifying God in everything you do. I know you are at a place where you want to be. Are you a writer? A photographer? or a full time musician/music teacher? Whatever you are doing, I AM PROUD OF YOU! I hope you won't forget how God has been so amazing in your life. You might be planning your wedding right now, or just having a coffee with the ONE. But I am telling you, you are dreaming about that at this moment as a 23-year old. You are dreaming about that sweet talks with your love and joyride while you are at a passenger seat. You'll go hiking, site seeing, eating, and just travelling around the world with him! 

Be strong, 25 year-old self. God is so faithful, really faithful ans I want you to know that He's been guarding your heart for that man you are with today. <3 I love you, self. 

Loving you, 

23 year-old YOU. 


NOW:

As I read this, it actually gave me goosebumps. Like WOW!!! Maybe it was meant for me to read it as a 27 year-old self. It so happens that I read it at the right time and right situation. It's amazing! God is indeed moving mysteriously!

Thank you 23 year-old me. You encouraged me a assured me of so many things. I love you.

C R U S H

You caught me
As I look away after looking at you
Blinking
As if I didn't saw you
Trying to compose my self
Looking as demure as I can be

Feels like in a lucid dream
You were almost real to me
As I yearn for an attention
Taking a peek of your wonders

I'm afraid to take one step closer
for you are as vague as fog in the sky
But I want to take a leap
taking one step away
holding back everything

You are my worst trial
But my best forever
You come at me like a thunder
Like a raging storm in my head
I couldn't sleep thinking about you

but yes, we are nothing
you are just a character in a story
I am just a reader
giving me high hopes
and uncanny feelings
for you and I will never happen
never we will happen

I wished.

It was as if the night wasn't coming to an end. That it will always be dark, dim, and blurry. Tonight you told me your wish, your fist and last wish.

We have this habit to ask each other for a wish. "What's your wish?" we utter. But it has always been you asking me for one. It has always been me having my wish come true. You were good at making me happy. You've put a flower in my heart and grows it to a tree. You are best at making me feel worthy.

I wasn't planning to love you anyway. But I still fell on your misery, good misery. You have taken me to places I've never been to, like in the river of tears, ocean of pain, and mountains of suffering. You have made a traveler out of me.

So, my wish? I wished that I can make you happy. I wished on staying by your side the night. I wished that can eat my favorite cookies and ice cream with you. I wished that we would read a book together. I wished that you hug me when I am sad. I wished that I can take a photo with you. I wished I can hold you closer to me. I wished that we could be. Everything I wished came true, because of you. The last wish made you say your wish. I was excited, jumping on the inside, waiting for your wish.

"I wish we will be friends, forever."

I almost forgot, I granted your wish and you answer my last wish with this. :) Friends.