GETTING CLOSER TO GOD DAY 1

Day 1 of getting closer to God, again, even when I feel nothing. 

I want to get closer to God and be deeper in my relationship with Him. 

I don’t want to get myself confused that the ministry is enough to say that I’m okay with the Lord without even reading a single word in the Bible. 

I started realizing that the bible became so unfamiliar to me when I forgot the names of the other books like Obadiah, Ruth, Esther, Nehemiah, etc. Seeing these books while my son was reciting the books of the bible woke me up to the fact that I am no longer reading the bible as I should. That I only read popular books and thought these books doesn’t exists. 

Today, July 28, I want to prioritize my relationship with the Lord over everything. Because I know that through this, God will fix everything that I am trying so hard to fix.

Before, I thought that maybe I should share my struggle to the public. Share it on social media. But it felt like I am confused with what the reality is and thinking that if I share it publicly, then it will be real. Like the real life only happens when everyone sees it online. But it’s the other way around. 

I just watched a video from RM that says the pyramid of a Christian life should be this. 

God

Wife/Husband

Kids

Work/ministry

Other family

I was totally fooled and confused that when I do ministry, it reveals my relationship with God. But I can fake everything that I am doing in the ministry just to show that I am okay, even when I am not. RM says that Ministry is equals to work. It’s a revelation and fruit of what I’ve done in number 1 (my relationship with God). If I fail on number 1, then everything else will not work well. 

I want to be able to love my husband the way God wants me to love him. And right now, I think I am failing. I may not be cheating him but not prioritizing his needs and thinking that I should be the only one to be taken care off is wrong. 

I want to raise my kids the godly way but I am trying so hard to be perfect and trying so hard for them to behave the way I want, but I can’t control my temper and I am always anxious. 

I want to be able to see ministry as something I do joyfully, not a burden. And that’s what’s wrong. I have been treating it as my relationship with God. 

I want to help my other families and be someone who can take care of them but I am not financially capable and mentally able to do all these. I saw them as a burden and thinking they’re too insensitive not to see my struggles. I forgot that the world doesn’t revolve around me. 

All these realizations humbled me. I get to see a clearer vision of what I should be doing. 

I want my husband, my child, my ministry, and my family to see me as a cheerful person who is content with the faithfulness and goodness of the Lord. I have been stressing myself figuring out what’s wrong, and it’s just right in front of me. I am missing my private time with God. That’s why my mind is full of anxiety, negative thoughts, thoughts that should not be on my mind, and the worst case scenarios, instead of God’s goodness, faithfulness, love, joy, peace, and best case scenarios. 

This is DAY 1. I may fail doing this. I may not feel like I want to continue doing this. But I will show up anyway.