The Diarist Untold Stories

Hello!

I know I've always been a bubbly, funny, and loving lady who makes everyone laugh. Well, I guess I am really good at making people happy because I've always wanted to do that. But deep down inside of me, I have a dark, blurry, unclear vision and the soul inside of me is broken, empty, and in pain, not so much of that bubbly girl you've always known.

For almost six months (since July 2016), I have suffered depression and anxiety. I never realized that I had that until I had a major breakdown last December 3, 2016. It was triggered by a the news that I failed a national exam that I took last October. I re-read my diaries and realized that I always write dark messages that leads to hopelessness and unworthiness. I am not okay.

It started out after I resigned from my previous job. I've spent 2 years and a half in my previous job so I am somewhat attached emotionally. The reason I resigned from my job is that I wanted to work close with my family. Travelling for 5 hours a day was stressful and living in my apartment alone was not healthy. Maybe with that, my depression has been developed while I am unaware. I felt there was an empty space inside my heart when I left my job. Feels like it leaves an very big hole that I couldn't fill. So, I apply for a job at DSWD, I expected so much. I always claim that I will get the job. But still, I am not okay.

After resigning, I had a job in a provincial government office. I thought this will fill that empty hole and that it will make me feel a lot better. But no, my depression got worst. I have developed feeling of being incapable of doing anything, I belittle myself, and maybe it was because of the environment of my new job. I am always afraid of something. I fear doing mistakes. I am always  down and tired. I feel like I am not achieving anything. I am not okay.

One thing that also triggered was when someone was hired in the position I am applying to, and that someone is very close to me. I wasn't envious of anything, I was just sad, so sad for myself. I feel so worthless and I am trying to figure out where I am lacking. I am tired. I am not okay.

So, I went to DSWD yet again to update my application. But I was informed right there and then that I was not included in the shortlist of applicants, so my application went junk. With all the courage and hope I have, I submitted another application in other positions. But when I went home, I broke down and cry. Feeling unworthy, not being enough, and a failure. I am not okay.

An opportunity in the international relations came. I am, somehow, into international relations and the like, but not really fond of it. So I submitted an application hoping that among the applications from different countries in Asia, I will be picked as an representative. But I'm not picked. I didn't meet the requirements. Gosh, that triggered my feeling of unworthiness. I am not okay.

And lastly, last December 3, I got a news that the Civil Service Examination results was out! I am expecting that I will pass the said exam, but sadly, I didn't. I really hoped for this. But I am so disappointed with myself that I didn't pass the exam. I broke down, cry, hurt myself physically, I want to go out and shout and let the world know that I am so disappointed with myself! I am such a mess!

But, I realized that I am acting like I don't have Jesus in my heart. I've lost hope, faith, and patience. I become rebel against God because at once, I thought He's not listening to my prayers anymore. I asked Him, "Why are these things happening?" I am puzzled, lost, and confused. I AM NOT OKAY.

But thank God for blessing me with people that follows Him. With them, I have felt God embracing me and telling me through them that everything's gonna be okay. I know soon it will, very soon.

I am still not very okay. I still feel depress but God didn't get tired of whispering to my friends and family's heart to talk to me and encourage me to keep going. I realized that finding your identity in Christ is not really a one day decision to make but a journey to take. It's not easy, but JOY comes in the morning and it will all come to pass.

It will be, soon. It will be all alright.

Psalms 23:4

"Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for You are close beside me. Your rod and staff protect and comfort me."

Love,

The Diarist