Looking blankly at the screen for like an hour and I still don't know what to say. I don't think someone would bother to visit this page and read my posts. I am just a writer who reads her own writings. Yep, sad. But to tell you this, I've been battling depression for three long years already. I don't know what to do with my life.
I've been jumping from one job to another and feeling that nothing can ever satisfy me. I am tired of my not being able to know what I am up with. I am tired of living. I wanted to melt down like a candle and just disappear here on earth. I am clueless and empty. Literally empty that I feel like there's nothing beneath my flesh, just emptiness.
Some may say this is just a hormonal imbalance, yep. Because my illness (hyperthyroidism) produces more hormones than normal. But even when I explain this a trillion times, no one will really understand me, I think. Everybody says that I am just sad, just lonely, just unsatisfied, just unhappy. But I don't think I am. What I am feeling now is unexplainable. I don't think I am just sad, lonely, unsatisfied, or unhappy. It's beyond that!!!
I am tired of pretending that I okay because people around me expects me to be okay. I battle everyday. Battling to smile even when I am dying inside. Battling to make everyone happy even when I can't make myself happy. I want to take off my mask and let everyone see how I am really. But when I do, no one believes me.
If you read this, thank you. Please tell me that everything's gonna be fine and that it's okay not to be okay. I want to end this battle before I want to end this life. Because I don't want to do that.
Listen.
love,
the diarist.
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