Amidst fear and fog

Through waters uncharted, my soul will embark
I'll follow Your voice straight into the dark
And if from the course You intend I depart
Speaks to the sails of my wondering heart

For the past few weeks, I've been listening to Captain of Hillsong United. I am so touched by how submissive this song is. It's been my comfort for the past few weeks during the times when I don't know what to do with certain things in my life like decisions, career, and church.

Like the wind You'll guide
Clear the skies before me
And I'll glide this open sea
Like the stars Your word
Will align my voyage
And reminds me where I've been
And where I am going

Confused I was. I am overthinking like I almost lost my ability to think normally. But I am not clinically crazy. I did some things that I didn't do, I got drunk once, I skipped work without a reason, I distant myself to people I am close with, I became a little inactive in church, and I almost wasted my life, and for a time, I've watched porn even when I don't like it, although it doesn't showed much. For the past ONE year, I FELT LIKE I AM WORTHLESS.

Lost in the shadows amidst fear and fog
Your truth is the compass that points me back north
Jesus my captain my soul's trusted Lord
All my allegiance is rightfully Yours

Knowing that I have found my identity in Christ, I know I haven't lost it, but I was confused and drowning to this idea that I am nothing. As some says, the enemy is at work, but I am amazed that God didn't let my heart fall to into this situation. He fixed my heart, he delivered me from all the sins that I've committed, He showed me HIS GRACE and how it can change a person like me. He showed me that nothing is ever important than laying my life to Him because He died for me. He showed His cross and all its worth. He reminded me of all His promises. He cleared my mind through the help of His word and the people around me. I am healing, little by little, though it may come into a long process, I am willing to undergo it.

I have learned that in these times, God is really developing my patience. Patience in waiting on all His promises and if I am not taking any action of faith, I AM NOT GOING ANYWHERE! So amidst all these fear and fog, I am following Him, it may be a loss of something, but what I am gaining is eternal blessing. I am following Him and all His ways, getting out of this comfort zone that I am in, and trusting God that whatever happens, He is with me.

love,

the diarist.