The best thing I've never had

Dear Mylz, 

First, you are one of the best gift I've never had. Second, I love you.

I wasn't ready of this day that I would write a letter to you though I know you will not know I wrote this. I just want to express my love for you, baby. 

I was 18 back then when I first held you in my arms. I am not your mom, nor I didn't get pregnant, but I felt something that connects us in a most special way. I didn't know that in the future, we would be so close. 

For seven long years, I was there for you. Changing your diapers when you are months old, making you a bottle of milk, waking up in the middle of the night because you were crying, seeing the first time you ever said "mamam", I was there when you sat down on your own the first time, when you took the first step of your life, when you learned how to read, write, paint, draw, ride a bicycle, even when you went to your first school the first time. I was there when your first teeth went out, and when you had lost a tooth for the first time (you even kept your tooth under your pillow believing that a tooth fairy will change it to money. Yes, I did change it to money). I was there when you were sad, happy, disappointed, angry, lonely, and hurt, sick, in pain, suffering. I was there. I was there on your first of firsts. I was there with you. 

Likewise, you was also there with me when I had my first heartbreak. You were with me when 

I am sad, happy, frustrated, hurt, and joyful. You were with me when I graduated from college twice. You were with me at my class while I was taking a quiz. You were with me in all my travels. You were with me when I had my first boyfriend. You were always with me because you want to. 

You can't sleep when I am not with you at night. I remember having to go home from work (2 hours travel) just because you were crying. I remember sacrificing my rest days to take you anywhere you want. I remember sacrificing my apartment and not getting one because you want me to go home everyday. I remember you chatting or calling me whenever I travel far from home. I remember exchanging "I love you's"  with you every night and praying alternately every night. I remember all these things. I remember everything until I cry. 

Why? because we're no longer like this. I don't sleep beside you anymore. You don't go with all my travels anymore. You don't go with me at work anymore.You don't ask me "Tati Hug" anymore. You don't welcome me with a hug and kiss when I get home. We don't do the things we love to do together anymore. Because you're mommy's home already. 

I didn't realize that I will come to this point that you will hurt me every single day. I see you everyday but your distant and I don't understand. I know you wouldn't understand me now, but when you get older, you will. 

I'm sorry for those times that I neglected you. I'm sorry that sometimes, I make you cry. I'm sorry for treasuring every moments we had like you are mine. 

Because I know that I can be your best TATI, but never your mommy.

I miss you so much, baby Mylz.  I love you.