Twenty-five year old letter

To Grace,

How are you doing? It seems like you’ve grown up a lot. You got prettier. You got taller. But I’m glad you stayed just the way you are. I wanted to tell you a story, but right now, you wouldn’t understand it. But when you will be able to read this on your 25^th birthday, I know you’ll understand. So the story goes like this.

There was a girl. She goes to church every Saturday and Sunday, and goes to work on the weekdays. She’s motivated, intelligent, and strong and God-fearing. She knew she needed no one, or rather a significant other, just to make her feel less lonely because she already knew that God is more than enough. She wasn’t even asking God for a man to come into her life and be with her forever. She just want to work hard and give God all her life.

She was 21 back then when she had her first job. She travels from home to work every day for 2 hours but it doesn’t seem long enough for her. As she was walking on the hallway, thinking about life, she met a guy. He is ‘not’ attractive. But that’s not the deal. He says ‘hi’ to her. She says ‘hi’ back. She thought he was a student so she asked her to get into the classroom for the exam will start. She didn’t realize that he was the teacher to whom she will give the exam papers. “I’m sorry Sir. I didn’t know you’re…” she says. “It’s okay Ma’am! I understand. You’re not the only one who thought I’m a student. Let me get that Ma’am.” He says. “Oh. Yeah. Thank you sir! And sorry again” she says. “Okay! God bless Ma’am!” he says. “Sir, are you…” then he started the class.

She actually don’t even cared much about him. As months passed by, they had a conversation where they accidentally talked about their faith. She knew he was a follower of Christ. He knew she’s a woman who loves Christ more than everything.

She discovered then that he is somewhat a little famous in their workplace, even to students. Though a lot of girls are crazy over him, he is just another guy she just met. But there was something special about him. It was like God is prompting her to do something, but she don’t know what it is. She dreamed of him every night. So every morning, she ended up praying for him and whatever it is that God is prompting her to do. She knew that she have to pray for him. So she did.

One day, they met in a bible study at work. And another day, and more days have come that they get to see each other at the bible study. She lead the singing of songs, he preach the gospel. Everyone would tease that they’re a perfect match. So she keeps on praying and praying on what God has for her to do and not to be carried away by what she is feeling.

After the bible study, he grabbed a chance to talk to her. “Ma’am, umm.” He was supposed to ask if she’ll be going somewhere that night, but he has lost courage. “Yes Sir?” she says. “Ummm. Can we … make the set list for the singing of worship songs next week?” he says. “Yeah sure. I’ll send it to you later” she says. “Umm. Can we do it while we’re eating, tonight? At the restaurant?” he finally said. In shock, she refused. She said that she can’t go home late tonight. He now thought that it was a bad start. So he asked God about her and he just prayed for her day and night. So they continue being just the way they are.  

After a year, of praying and waiting and praying, he finally gathered a lot of courage he needed to have. He’s been praying that one day, he would tell her how he feel. He waited, patiently. And now, he’s ready. After work, he went straight to her office but found nothing but a box full of her stuff. It looks like she is leaving. She came and asked “What are you doing here?” He don’t know what to feel. After three years of knowing this woman, he still can’t speak to her straightforward. “Umm. Are you leaving? Why? Why didn’t you tell me?” He grabbed her hand and begging her to tell him the truth. “I’m going on a mission. It will be for a year only” He didn’t let go of her hand. He’s finally telling her… “I’m gonna tell you something. I like you. I’ve been praying for you. It feels like God has put you in my heart. I just want you to know. You don’t have to like me back. I just want to tell you so the thought of not telling this to you won’t be bothering me for a year” he says. “For a year? She says. “Yeah. Because It feels like I can’t wait to tell you this.” He says. She was feeling so much joy in her heart knowing that what she was feeling was true. Little did she know that he was prayer for her too. It was truly a God-given feeling. But she refuse to tell him how she feels. She wanted to wait a little longer. “Thank you. I hope you’ll wait until I get back from my mission. I’ll get going. Bye Sir. God bless!”

Even though it looks like he was dumped, or not, he still didn’t lose hope. He waited, patiently and focus on being the right man. He went on a mission too for a few months and went back home. He attended the first bible study for the year at his workplace. He was filled with joy when he saw her leading the singing of songs. It feels like he was only dreaming that time. She smiled at her like she used to smile before. His heart was trembling and he can still feel the way his heart beats like the way it beats when he first saw her. After the bible study, she talked to him, “We’ll talk.” He don’t know what it is all about. He just followed her until they arrived at the restaurant they were supposed to eat long time ago. “How are you?” he asked. She just smiled and ordered something. “So, we’re just gonna stare at each and…” She then held his hands and asked “Can we pray? Together?” They prayed together until they shed tears, and cried together as they let their hearts out in prayer. He closed the prayer. “I was waiting for this time to happen. I hope you waited too” she says. “I waited and still waiting for you. Whatever it is that you have to say, I will listen. But I just want you to remember and realize that I will still say the same words that I told you before.” He says. “I’ve been praying for this a long, long time ago. It was like God prompted me to pray, for you. I want you to know that I am praying for you and will still do.” She says.

After that day, he started pursuing her. It was an answered prayer that he had hope when she says that she’s praying for him too. He give her ride to home. He take her to her favorite place. He would wait for her to finish all office work (since she’s back at her work) and would make her a cup of coffee even when she don’t want it. He would go on a simple mission with her. It goes like this for like a year. They were 25 back then when he asked the magic word, “Will you be my girlfriend?” she gladly said yes! Years had passed and they are finally got married and went on their first mission together in Indonesia. They both became full time missionary. Until one day, they knew she have to stop for a while because she bears a little baby inside of her. She then bore a wonderful girl and they named her Grace. He was so happy to see her daughter’s beautiful face that’s why he wrote this letter to her daughter.

Grace, you’re only 2 week old now while I’m writing this. My heart is filled with joy when I saw your face and heard you cry. You are a gift to me, to us. I want you to know how much I love your mom and how we started. I hope you could be as patient as how patient we became. God will always give you the best and you and your mom is the best for me. I love you Grace, with all my heart. I hope our story will give you an example of how you should be choosing the one you will love for the rest of your life.

With love,

Dad

Wait

Sparks appear from your eyes

Just when you say you love me

I don't know why this has to happen

That we would fall in love so deeply

Never in my wildest imagination

That I will be so into you

But I guess that's how love moves mysteriously

I wouldn't understand what you did to me

You just smiled and then my world revovles differently

Please, tell me you'll wait

Until our love grows

Until we get mature
Until we are ready

Until the time is right

I promise I will wait
I'll patiently pray and wait

I wanted to hold you close to me

But I can just keep you in my heart

I wanted to hold your hands

But I can just look at you and say Hi

I wanted to be with you forever

But I guess forever won't start today

I want you, even when you seems so far away

I promise I'll wait

As you also wait

In this journey

We'll pray

Until forever starts 

Until the time is right

Faith Up!

It was like a raging tsunami when this season came and come to an end. I never even noticed that after this day, it will be my birthday.

As you can see, there's a photo at the left side of your screen. It's a poster of our upcoming event. The team started planning this out maybe a month ago and I was so amazed by how far each and everyone's faith took this event. It has reached the whole MCL community.

Right now, I am asking of you to pray for God's will to prevail today. We are actually having some "challenges" that I know we could overcome by God's Grace. We still don't know what's ahead of us, but we believe that this event will push through TODAY! It will be a very great birthday gift if you include this event in your prayers.

My prayer:

Dear Lord, I know You have everything at hand. I know that You are doing something really great right now. Please continue to remind us to be more desirable to know Your will rather than the answers to our prayers. In Jesus Name, I cast out all evil doings that could hinder us to push through this event and believing that You are working all through out this event. Open our hearts and mind so we could understand the things that's been happening. Increase our faith, Oh Lord. You know every details of our hearts and all we want Lord is to make You more FAMOUS and lift You up above all else. Forgive us if we ever doubted Your plans. All glory to You and You alone. This is all for You greater glory. In the Name of Your Son, Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior, Amen.  

Follow me...

On my last blog post, I talked about "asking God questions" But then, I never knew that His answer will be as quick as this.

Yesterday, I was so confused of this feeling I am feeling. It was like God is asking me to do something and I don't know what it is. It's been knocking out it my heart and mind until it cause me sleepless nights.

I wasn't planning to attend Light Church's Prayer meeting last night but then I called my friend and asked where she is. She said she'll be attending PM that night. So, that brings me that strong feeling of attending the PM too. I said "Okay, I'll come. I need answers"

Though I am not expecting exact answers from God, I asked, "Lord, what exactly do you want me to do? Why do I have to feel this?" Then I arrived at the church, I sat down, looked at what's flashed on the screen and saw Matthew 4:19 "And He said to them, 'Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men." Just at that moment that I read "FOLLOW ME" , tears run down my face. This is His answer! Exact words from Him! Then, I noted this on my bible for me not to forget the date God answered all my questions. But I didn't realized that His message are not yet done, as I read verse 20 "and immediately, they leave their nets and followed Him" I've got goosebumps.

Then I asked, "God, does it have to be immediate?" And as I continue reading the passage, at verse 22 it says "immediately" again.

That was a fast answer from God. And after encountering that messages from God, I was at peace. Believing that God is in control and that He will provide everything that I need, I am at peace.

Now, I want to ask you to include me in your prayers. It will be a very hard decision but whatever God wants His child do, He make it all possible. Wherever you go, whatever you were doing, when God called you for His grander Vision, He will talk to you and instill in your heart that commandment He has given you.

To God be all the Glory!

You don't understand now, but soon, you will - JESUS

"Jesus replied, 'You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.'" - John 13:7

Lately, I was asking God about life, future, and His plans. Though I haven't really got a direct answer for my questions, I've grown to be more drawn to God's presence.

There are about hundreds of questions I ask God each day. Lord, where do you want me to be? Why am I here? Why do I have to know these? Why do I have to meet these people? Why am I feeling this? Why? And the sort of things. But nothing kept me in peace. I almost feel like I am nowhere to go or that I have some place I have to be in. But there is one question that really made me cry, Lord, how? 

For the past few weeks, there has been an extreme conviction of doing something for God's greater glory but I don't know how and where to start. One thing that's really bugging me is that, I feel like God was asking me to let go of some things that are really precious to me. He is also like asking me to let go of some people that's important to me. The why questions then enters the picture. There is pain in letting go of all these.  But I guess, God won't let me feel these things if He don't have a grander plan for me. I believe there is.

So now, I am much excited of what God wants me to do.  I know that it is for His greater glory. I may never know what it is, but I am trusting God for all the things that He have for me in the future. I may lose eveything I have now, money, time, and energy, but I know that God will restore it all more than I expected. I may not uinderstand what He was doing now, but I am rest assured that soon, I will.

All Glory to God! :)

Love Triangle

I was lost, searching for an answer
Asking God, when will you come?
And then you came, you held my hands
Became an answer to my heart's desire

Pre Chorus:
Oh, I thought I was just dreaming
Oh I thought this can't be real

Chorus:
But now you're here, my gift from God
Looking into my eyes
Saying when you seek Christ you found me
And now I believe that there's Jesus between you and me

I wasn't ready to love again
I locked out my heart
The key is in God's hands
But then I guess, He gave it to you
So now, I am here singing this song for you

PreChorus
Chorus

Bridge:
Everyone thought I'd be forever waiting for you
But no, God knew just what I need
So He gave me to you
And after all these years of waiting for love
I must say, you're worth the wait, baby you're worth the wait

Chorus


Original composition by... ME! <3
To God be the Glory

Confessions...

"ASDFGHJKL! Ayan na siya! Waaaaaaaaa! Inaccept niya friend request ko! Nagtext siya sakin! Tinawagan niya ako! Crush daw niya ako! In love na ata ako? Friends lang daw kami. :("

Those were the words that I used to utter. Words that I expressed long ago when I fell in love. Words that I said when I had my first heartbreak.

Masakit. Oo! Sobra nga e. Pero I know that there are more hurtful things than this. Right now, I have confessions to make. After three years of moving on, crying, trying to hold on the things that's left, I'm done. I'm made new.

One confession is, na-realize ko lang na kung di pa ako na-broken hearted, hindi ko pa lalo makikila si Lord. Like for real! I've realized that when I had my heart broken, I became more closer to God. Mas naging open ako sa Kanya, mas naging sincere yung prayers ko, mas naging personal ang messages Niya sakin. Mas naging bold and confident ako for Him! It's so amazing!

Two. From time to time, naiisip ko padin si Yatz. Though lagi ko naman sinasabi na naka move on na ako, minsan, naiisip ko padin ang mga maaaring mangyari kung natuloy ang lovestory namin. Although we haven't really had a real relationship. And one thing I am so proud about, I was never ever physically intimate with him. We never held hands, we never kissed, we never ever ever did the thing. That's because we've never been in a relationship! HAHA! Well, I know that God has been protecting me from any harm at that moment. Thank You Lord! And allowing my heart to be broken is one of His way to take me away from that guy. Everything is done. Pero, promise! Minsan, iniisip ko, "Paano kaya kung kami talaga? Paano kung matutuloy yung promise namin sa isa't-isa na pag 25 na kami at wala parin kami karelasyon, kami nalang? Paano kaya?" But no! I have made a promise with God that I will never ever fall for that guy again. Yes! Waaaaa! Lord, I need more patience. 

Three. I met someone. Someone who actually possess every detail of a guy that I want to be with. Christ-centered, musician, preacher, singer, youth leader, a little bit funny, and a little bit handsome. Someone whom I can sing with, pray with, laugh with, laughs at my corny jokes, and know Christ with. Someone that will push me to the limit of my patience but also someone who will lead me to Christ. Waaaa! This is so crazy! Because that guy that I met actually possess everything that I've said. Then after a few months discovering who he is, I've discovered that even his family background fits to what I envisioned my dream guy's family would be. This is crazier! I had this feeling of assurance na kahit hindi kami romantically connected, may future kami. Hahah. Sobrang weird lang.

Four. Pinagpray ko na yung guy na sinabi ko sa number three. Oo. Pero mas gusto ko na si Lord na yung bahala. Minsan napepressure lang ako kapag nagpepray ako tapos wala naman nagbabago. Pero those were the moments na ako naman ang binabago ni Lord. Pero looking back, we started out being strangers na nagmeet in an unexpected moment. Pero ngayon, we're so close and can share weird things to each other pero minsan lang. Hahaha. Sobrang nirerespeto ko siya as a person and that is what I want my husband to be. To lead me, to pray with me, and to tell me that God has the best plans for me. Sa tuwing kausap ko siya, ang dami ko natututunan, it's like sobrang kinasihan siya ng Banal na Espiritu. Pero I am not consistent sa pagpepray sa kanya, basta bahala na si Lord. Kung siya man yun, waaa. Thank You Lord. Pero king hindi, I am glad to havr known na nageexist yung taong gusto ko. <3

Five. Minsan naisip ko na magiging single ako forever. Pero that doesn't mean that I've given up waiting, that's because I want to experience more of God. Siguro, I will be meeting the guy for me sooner or later, or baka nga nakita ko na. Hehe. But now, I am enjoying the blessing of being single. :)

I'm so happy that I am becoming more honest of what I really feel. Thank You talaga Lord! Pa-huggg! <3

Work from the heart and change a life :)

After my graduation last March 2013, I didn't realy know where I am going. I never even planned applying in a certain company and get a job.

I graduated with a Bachelor's Degree in Information Techonology. I was actually seeing myself working as a programmer, graphic designer, and other IT stuff job. But being a social worker wasn't really my plan. I had my OJT at Provincial Capitol of Laguna where I found myself loving the idea of being a writer. Yes, I'm a writer, but not an excellent writer. But then, after a year, I realized why God has put to that training because that's where my heart will be molded.

Now, I am currenly working at Malayan Colleges Laguna at the Center for Service-Learning and Community Engagement. Our office is the Community Extensions arm of MCL. I never imagined working at MCL because, first, it is almost a high quality school because only rich people can afford studying there. Second, having their high quality, I assumed that they are aiming for high quality employees with extraordinary skills. Sadly, I am just an average person. But! The grace of God has no boundaries! MCL hired me instead of hiring applicants who graduated at a famous universities. And take note, I didn't even apply for the position, it is purely God's grace who put me to where I am now.

So, just to tell a very short story of my experiences and journey at MCL, I compiled few photos taken by some random students. (credits to them) and I just want to share how God is putting community service into my heart.

He is Joven. One of the few students who received a Scholarship from our office. While he is a scholar, he have to render at least 3 hours of return service. Return service aims to teach our scholars to reach out community and instilling in their hearts the essence of community service. I was so inspired by how dedicated he is in his return service. He actually rendered more than the required number of hours. But what's more inspiring is, I felt his heart willing to really reach out not just because he was asked to, but because he want to. 

These two little gilrs are nursery students who benefited in one of our projects. I am so happy to have met them because they are so cute and seeing them smile makes my heart melt. They are also the reason why I love reaching out people like them. 

This is Jovan. She is my favorite nursery pupil who visited MCL. I took this photos accidentally and I am so happy that the result is so wonderful. 

I always love kids. I always love telling stories to kids and making them laugh at my corny jokes. This photo was during the "Keep the Change" project at MCL. 

This photo was during the Read to Succeed Project of BAB - CAS of MCL. ENG21 students extended their classroom lesson to community and taught these pupils to read. These pupils are actually at Grade 3 level already but they are non-readers. As a sign of help for their lives, BAB-CAS community come up with an idea of having this project that will really last a lifetime. CAS Student council also raised funds for this project and raised almost 16K. 

At first, I thought giving up my IT career was a bad idea, but I realized that it was one of the best decision I have ever made. I found myself having this heart for changing lives with my simple actions. I felt more passionate about giving and helping out needy. I was once a needy, but now that I have much more than what I have asked, I have to give it away. I thank God for allowing these things to happen. It was truly life-changing.

Thank for reading and praise be to God! 

When my patience is tested

Just so you know, I am the only person in our entire family who haven't been in a relationship. Yes, I am proud that I've found myself drawing satisfaction from God alone. But I am still believing that God is writing the best love story for me and for the one He made for me.

Everytime our family will have a reunion and get together, everyone will ask, "Do you have a boyfriend already?" For a zillion times, they're asking the same question. And yet, I answer just one answer, "I don't have a boyfriend. I am praying. God's is still writing the best love story for me." But one night, my patience is tested. One relative responds in an offending approach "Ang tiyaga!" (So patient!) That's the point! I am really patiently waiting! Is that a bad thing? 

I cried and feeling like I am nowhere. I feel like my dreams will stay as dreams. I doubted God's timing and God's plan. Then God reminded me of what's true and what's important. That in this 'waiting', I am not waiting for a perfect guy and for someone who would make me feel I am special, I am waiting for God and God alone. That everything I have in my prayers are in His hands. 

As I reflect, I appreciated how God is focusing on molding me, my attitude, my character, and my heart. I appreciated how God is taking me to the right path that leads me to His loving arms. I appreciated how God is allowing these things to happen for me to embrace more of Him alone. 

This is my prayer...

Dear Lord, 

Thank You for pouring out Your grace and Your love to me and for giving me this desire to have an intimate relationship with You and for putting in my heart this dream of being with somone who loves you more than anyone else.. May You forgive me for doubting Your timing and Your plans. May You teach me more on how to be patient on waiting on You. May you teach me to draw satisfaction from You and not from people around me. I place my heart in Your hands and trusting that You will give it to someone You are molding just like how You're molding me. I trust in Your greater plans. I trust in Your words. I pray in the Name of Your Son, Jesus Christ, My Lord, Amen!

Praying for someone?

Though I don't have a partner yet, still, I want to share to you these factors that I've learned from what I read, I heard, and I saw about praying for someone to be your lifetime partner.

Let's start off with a question of "How do we pray?" I admit that when I pray for someone, though I am saying that I am praying for a guy I haven't seen yet, someone existing in my life would popped up in my mind and think that maybe, he could be that someone I am praying for. 

I am specifically praying to God that I want my life partner to be tall, (handsome), and owns a good smile. But what I really want for my lifetime partner to possess is being a God-follower, God-fearing, lover of Christ, musician and loves music as he offers it to the Lord, and lastly, someone who will love me as I love him. 

For the past four years that I've been praying for this qualities of a guy, I've seen few guy who accidentally came into my life who posses those qualities, like exactly! Meeting them changed my perspective. At some point, I prayed for them specifically. Telling God that this guy that I met has the qualities that I want for a guy and asking Him if he is the one. Then I realized that what I am doing is totally wrong! I've been compromising my love to someone I'm praying for whom I haven't met. 

Next, "How should we pray?" Praying for someone should be the other way around. More than we spill out to the Lord our heart's desire, we should seek more of God's heart. Just recently, I felt how God is changing my perspective in praying for someone. Yes, as we delight ourselves to the Lord, He will give us the desires of our heart (Psalm 37:4) But it is more important that we seek first His heart, His righteousness, His Kingdom, and all of these things shall be added unto us (Matthew 6:33) 

Specifically, one should pray for God's perfect will. Pray for your future partner's heart to be molded into someone who is right. Pray for his future plans, pray for God's plan for his life. Pray for his relationship with the Lord. Also pray that he will keep his purity as you keep yours. Of course, as you pray, pray for yourself to be someone right for the guy you are praying for or for the one that God's created just for you. Pray for your relationship with the Lord, be lost in God's presence. 

It's amazing how God's transformed my prayer into something that longs to have the same heart with Him. As I pray, I never knew that God would give this desire to patiently wait for His will despite of all the doubts, heartaches, and pain that I've been through. That He would actually tell me to wait upon the His perfect will even though at some point in my life, few guys would come into my life and they possess the exact qualities that I am praying for and they would give me a heartache thinking if he is the one. But no, this is my will, not His. As we grow closer to God, He will shift our heart's desire and the things that we thought we need the most - to His heart's desire.

Finally, it may take time to meet the one, but waiting is such a short time for someone who is patiently waiting. 

Pagaantay sa Pag-ibig (Warning: Purong tagalog. Warning lang)

Maraming bagay ang nahihirapan tayong antayin. Maraming maiikling pagkakataon ang nasusubukan ang ating pasensya sa simpleng pagaantay. Minsan, dito pa natin nakikita ang tunay nating pagkatao. Matiyaga ba taong nagaantay sa mga simpleng bagay? O hindi padin natin kayang maging kalma sa mga ganitong pagkakataon?

Ang pag-iintay ay maiihahalintulad ko sa isang halaman. Lahat ng halaman ay nagsisimula sa isang maliit na buto. Para mamunga ito, kailangan itong itanim, diligan, at intayin mamunga. Diligan ng diligan at intayin pang lalong mamunga.

Isang kabataan ang minsang lumapit sakin. Sabi niya, "Ate, bakit ganito ang nararamdaman ko? Pakiramdam ko ay nagkakagusto ako sa kanya. Hindi ko maintidihan. Hindi ako makatulog minsan. Hindi ko malaman kung tama ba ito o hindi." Ang sagot ko? Mag intay ka.

Unang-una, hindi lahat ng bagay ay nakukuha mo ng agar-agaran. Pagpalagay nating maliit na buto ng isang halaman ang iyong nararamdam sa isang tao. Tapos tinanim mo, anong sunod? Didiligan mo. Sa buhay ng tao, inihalintulad ko ang pagdidilig sa araw-araw na pananalangin. Ipanalangin mo ang iyong nararamdaman. Sabihin mo sa Panginoon ang lahat lahat. Huwag kang magtago. At syempre, ang pinakamahalaga, mag-intay ka. ang paglaki ng isang halaman inaantay sa matagal na panahon para makita ang kagandahan nito. Gayon din sa pag-ibig. Kinakailangan mong intayin ito para makita mo ang kagandahan ng pag-ibig na idinaan at binugbog sa panalangin.

Minsan, hindi natin nakikita. Maraming bagay ang kailangan natin intayin at kailangan natin pagtiyagaan. Ang pagibig ay naaantay. Pero dapat mo din isipin kung ano ang mga bagay na dapat mong ginagawa sa iyong pagaantay. Manalangin ng manalangin at ibigay sa Diyos ang lahat. Iaalay sa Panginoon ang iyong buhay , puso at kaluluwa. Sa huli, ang Diyos mismo maglalagay sa iyong puso ng taong dapat mong ibigin.

Stronger...

"I am a strong person, but every once in an while, I would  like someone to take my hand and tell me that everythings going to be alright."

Some says that to be able to enjoy having a relationship with someone, you should first enjoy youself being single. Because being able to find joy in you means you will not feel lonely when you are alone.

Yes! I have proved to myself that being single is one of the greatest thing that ever happened to me. I don't ask for someone to cheer me up when I am sad. I don't long for someone's touch just to make me feel safe. I don't need someone to be with me everyday just to make me feel satisfied. I don't need those. But sometimes, I want it.

Every once in a while, when I see lovers pass me by, I keep asking myself, "How does it feel to be wrapped around someone's arms?", "How does it feel to be held by someone's hand", "How does it feel to loved by a significant other without asking for it?" I always wonder how.

I am a strong person. I can be alone without somone cuddling me all night. I can be just myself. I have been satisfied with God's everlasting love since the day that I accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior. There is no doubt that when you're in love with Christ, you will never feel alone. But there is something in me that keep telling me that have to have a partner, even when I don't need it.

I know someday, someone will come to me and will say how much he loves me and how long he's been waiting for me. And he will tell me that I've been in his prayers for a long time even before he met me.

It feels so good to be in love and to be loved. But the greatest thing to do before these things come to life, love yourself, be in love with Christ, and pray constantly for that someone special. :)

God bless!

How can we be lovers if we can't be friends?

Three years ago, we were so happy being together and being whatever we wanted to be. I don't know what happened. I don't know what have we done. There are still so many questions in my mind that I cannot identify. Have I moved on? Do you really loved me? Do I still love you?

It is true that there are things that we cannot control. Just like how I cannot stop you from not leaving me. I feel so empty. I feel so cold. And I have never felt this way before. I want you back. I want you now. But I cannot pull you back to me. Why?

It just happened. One day you told me that you are tired. That you cannot be with me any more. How can you do this to me when I have loved you so much? I don't really understand. You said that you're just hurting me so you want to go away but what you did almost killed me emotionally. I was crushed. I am broken. But every time I see you being happy even without me hurts a lot more.

Yes. You never left my mind. You always fill my thoughts. But it's like you have forgotten me forever.

We can't be lovers any more because we can't be friends in the first place. Now this is us. We are strangers again.

#TheSadTruth

A lot like friendship or a lot like love?

"If I had my life do over  again... I'd find you sooner so I could love you longer."

Because we're friends. If I could have you sooner in the past, I wil love you more than friends so I could say we can be lovers forever. But no, we're friends. we've always been friends. I don't know how we started out. I don't know how we could start on a different level. But playing games with you wasn't that easy. It feels like playing a game on my own, and you're just like a thing I could carry along.

And we're not lovers. It's been hard for me bearing this feeling inside my heart. I am confused. I am unsure. Am I inlove with you? Or am I just happy being with you? I wanted to ask you "have you ever felt the same way?" But I'm afraid that the answer is no.

Why do these things? You've been calling me, visiting me, giving me gifts, and just being with me. You're actually confusing me. You're giving me false hope that I've never asked from you. You're giving too much attention that gave me an impression that maybe you love me too. But all this time, you never said something about 'falling in love'. You're like giving me a heartache without even hurting me.

Are you naturally sweet? Because I am wondering if you are doing these things to other girls too. As time goes by, my confusion level is reaching the highest. I almost want to give up and fall back.

A lot like friendship. "I am happy to be your friend, your bestfriend." I don't know how would I react when you said these words to me. Yes, I am happy being with you, too. I am so much happy when we became friends. But why do I admire for something more?

A lot like love. "But can we take it to another level?" Shocked! Amused! And having my eyes bigger. I asked "What do you mean with another level?" and you said "I love you, I have always loved you. Can we be lovers?" Those are the exact words I wanted to hear. This is the moment I've been praying every night. "Is this true?" I asked. "Yes it is." And you hold my hands and gave me a kiss. "Don't worry. I will never ask for more of you. Being just you is more than enough" Those sweet words from your lips are just like getting flying without wings. Finally!

All the questions in my mind are all answered. We've been lovers for a long time but refuse to open it up. Now, we're a lot like lovers and I can never ask for more. The bestfriend that I ever had is finally the best boyfriend I could ever have. :)

This is by request. Just a result of my wide imagination. :)

Tuwentitertin

It's January 26 now at ngayon ko lang naisipan gumawa ng blog for 2013. :) Okay here we go!

What happened last 2013?

I have learned from an inspiring author of LOVESTRUCK, Ronald Molmisa, that for you to be able to move-on from the past (He's talking about ex-relationship here), you should enumerate everything that happened, good or bad. So I'm gonna apply his concept of 'moving on' even though I didn't had a boyfriend to move on for. HAHA

First thing, 2013 for me is the most challenging and hardest year of my life. Why? Because this is where I found myself being at my weakest and strongest point. I have cried lots and lots of tears and laughed when I'm in front of many people. I have been a "cry-myself-to-sleep-" person and this has made me stronger.

January  - toot toot. Di ko na masiyado matandaan ang mga nangyari sa buwan na ito basta ang alam ko ito yung time na OJT ako at nahihirapan akong makita siya sa kapitolyo. NAKO!

February  - SINGLES MONTH! Sorry. :) HAHAH

 March  - Ito yung month na nagsstruggle na ako ng "Where to go? Where to apply?" Ang hirap! I have carved in my heart that I'll be a writer in the future and it's so hard to look for a job na magfifit na gusto kong gawin. Di pa man ako na-graduate, nagiging back to zero na agad ang knowledge ko about life. I don't know how to decide for myself. Naging OJT-writer ako sa Provincial Capitol of Laguna and I found myself being soooo passionate with what I am doing. Then, after ng lahat ng hirap ko sa pag-aaral, nakagraduate din! The best gift I could ever give to my parents! What's next? Let's see!

April -May  - I commited myself to church activities and naging staff ako for DOERS (Disciples of Every Reached Society) where it lasted until end of May. Antagal noh? Ang saya kaya! We went through many trainings and we were sent to different places where we applied everything that we learned from our training. Two weeks before matapos ang DOERS, tinawagan ako ng PCBS for a job! :)

May-June  - Unfortunately, it was not a very great experience. Dito ko naranasan makipagsagutan sa boss ko. Dito ko nakita yung "mataray" side ko. Dito ako, I must say, naging masama. HUHU. I am working sa isang Christian bookstore but I don't feel like I am. Pressured, stressed, namamayat (?) lito. MY first job wasn't that great. But I still thank God for that experience. Mas nakilala ko ang sarili ko at mas nalaman ko ang mga dapat kong maging ugali sa iba't ibang tao.Sorry for these months LORD! :(

July  - toot toot. Kroo kroo

August  - Job Hunting mode with Eben! HAHAHAHA! Naligaw! Nag-taxi, nag-LRT, nag-MRT! In short, nagjob-hunting sa Manila! And ending, ayaw ko pala sa Manila. HAHA. But it was a great experience tho. Nakipag-rally ako against PORK BARREL. (Totoo po yun!) I met new bekfriends (Di po ako typo. BEKS nga) I learned a new way of meditating at nakipagbonding with bestfriend in a more mature way. :) Masaya! Masaya!

September  - Realization...  Ang tagal na. Almost 2 years na ang nakalipas nung huling naging okay kami ni Yatz (Jerick Cabantog) Masiyado pang magiging mahaba ang post na ito kung ikwento ko pa kung pano nangyari, di narin naman mahalaga. But anyways, it may be harsh to think, pero inunfriend ko siya sa fb, binura ko ang lahat ng pictures namin, lahat ng mga bagay na magpapaalala ng mga tungkol sa kanya. Dahil kahit hanggang nung September, kahit ang tagal na, nasasaktan padin ako nun. Engers lang. Ito din yata yung month na Natapos ko nang basahin yung "I kissed dating goodbye" na nakapagpabago ng perspective ko sa "romantic love".

October- December  - Ang bilis nuh? HAHAHA. This was the greatest month of my 2013! Like really! This were the months that I started working at Malayan Colleges Laguna. Here is where I met amazing people, amazing boss, amazing workmates, amazing environment! Lahat amazing! Dito ko nakita ang positive side ng career path ko. Dito ko nakita lalo ang sarili ko. Here is where I want to invest my passion. Noon ko narealize kung bakit ako hindi nagkawork in the past few months because God has prepared something greated for me! And this is it! :) Ngayon month din nakita ko ang sarili ko na patuloy na lumalakad sa daan ng turning point ko. Dahil, since it was turning, I am continually turning. :) Ang saya lang! Akala ko matatapos ang taon na ito na jobless padin ako, but God heared my prayers and my heart's desires. Dito ko din nakilala si Shir....HAHAHA Only God and my bestfriend knows that! Di ba?

Marami akong natutunan sa 2013 about relationships, sa significant other man yan, sa family, sa friends, sa churchmates and even sa mga taong di okay sayo. I learned #ProjectLove and it was all about giving love to everyone kahit walang bumabalik sayo. It's about giving love to everyone at hindi mo pipiliin ang pagbibigyan mo ng love. Nung matutunan kong magbigay ng LOVE sa lahat, that's when I felt na madami din palang nagmamahal sakin. :)

Natutunan ko din last year na, LOVE IS PATIENT. Although I already knew that long ago, mas nareflect ko lang siya ngayon. Bakit sa 1 Cor 13, ito yung unang description ng love? Bakit kailangan patience ang una? That's because hindi mo iintayin ang isang bagay na hindi mo mahal or hindi mahalaga sa'yo. If it means a lot to you, you will PATIENTLY wait.

We may think that life is colorless, meaningless, and dull, let's just wait for the right time for this life to bloom! Malay mo, in the future, magbobloom nadin ng bonggang bongga ang life natin! :)

All in all, I thank God for giving me my colorful and meaningful 2013! I hope you all had a very meaningful 2013 too! Ang prayer ko nalang ngayon ay mas maging CHRIST-CENTERED ang year 2014 ko. :) At sa inyo din. HIHI. God bless youuuuu!

Love, Life, and Death

Life

Sheena's POV

I let him go. I asked him to let me go. Kahit mahal ko pa sya at mahal niya rin ako, it doesn't make any sense. Masasayang lang din ang lahat. Kahit gaano ko man ipaglaban ang pagmamahal ko sa kanya, mawawalan parin ng saysay ang lahat.

Love are like leaves in a tree. You may find a leafless tree an interesting subject, but believe me, it is still lifeless. I have all the love that I needed from my parents, my family, my friends, but is that all enough? Can it save me from the peak of death?

I'm Sheena. I'm 21 years of age. I'm from a, let me say, fortunate family. Yet, I lived as simple as I can be. My dad is a succesful businessman and my mom is a government employee. I can do whatever I want. I can have whatever I want. I am partly rebelious and partly understanding. I understand that my mom and dad are doing everything they can just to give me whatever I want. But I mostly refuse their love. Siguro nasusuka na ako sa mga pag aalaga nila, pag aaruga and everything. Lagi nalang nila ako bine-baby.

But one day, I started feelling so depressed, lagi akong nagsusuka at lagi akong nagkakasakit. Akala ko normal na lagnat lang and whatsoever ang nararamdaman ko kaya hindi ko nalang sinabi sa parents ko. Pero nakita nalang nila akong nakahiga sa sahig ng kwarto ko ng walang malay. According sa mga kwento ng tita ko, mga 1 hour nadaw akong nakahilata sa sahig kaya they rushed me to the nearest hospital. After few hours, nagising nalang ako and all our family members were there. "Anong nangyari?" Wala akong alam. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ako natumba sa sahig. Tapos, pumasok nalang bigla ang doctor at lumapit sakin and started to asked me few questions. "I will ask you some questions and I need you to answer it honestly. Okay?" I said "Okay." I don't know why my mom has teary eyes. Medyo kinakalma ko pa ang sarili ko sa mga maaari kong marinig. "Kailan pa nagsimula ang depression mo at ang kadalasang mong pagsusuka?" Inisip ko kung kailan nga ba? Alam ko kase matagal na e. Hindi ko lang pinapakialaman. Umiinom nalang ako ng gamot. "Umm. Mga 2 months na po?" Then my mom asked me, "Sheena? Bakit di mo sinasabi sa amin? Bakit hindi inoopen sa amin huh?" Pinigilan naman ng doctor ang mama ko sa mga balak pa niyang itanong. "Misis, I need your full cooperation on this. She can't be..." Bakit hindi itinuloy ni doc? "Doc, hindi po ako pwede ano...?" The doctor looked at me. Hindi ko maintindihan ang mga nangyayari. "Sheena, right? Inuunti-unti ko ang mga pangyayari para mas malaman natin ang kondisyon mo." Dahil eager na akong malaman ang lahat, pinilit ko na si Doc na sabihin, lahat-lahat! "No doc. Inuunti-unti niyo kase ayaw niyong ma-shock ako? Sabihin niyo na doc. Sabihin nyo na lahat! Please? Ayoko na nang tatanungin niyo pa ako." Then the doctor asked for the permission of my parents para masabi na niya lahat. Hindi ko man alam kung ano ang mga maririnig ko, handa parin akong marinig lahat ng iyon. "You have Terminal Cancer Disease."

 It feels like the world stops after I heard those words. It never sounded familiar pero with cancer in the middle seems to be a very serious disease. Umiyak nalang ako. Matapang ako pero I feel so weak right at that moment. Hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko. "Mamamatay na po ba ako? Is there any solution?" Mukhang nalungkot si Doc sa mga tinanong ko. Umiyak nadin ang mommy at daddy ko at ang iba ko pang family, hindi ko alam kung anong nagawa ko para magkaron ng sakit na ganito. "Unfortunately, mostly terminally ill patients die after a years of diagnosis. Yes, you will feel that you're body is normal kasi the disease shows familiar symptoms. Yet, you will feel weaker and weaker every day. You had this disease, probably, when you were 5. But the symptoms are just showing mostly at this time because..." I can't even keep a single word in my mind. I don't know why I have to be this way? "Doc, because in a year now, I might be dead?" And they all cried. I'm making myself strong at this very moment, pero parang konti nalang, bibigay nadin ako. "Yes. in 1 year, makakaramdam ka pa ng iba't-ibang sakit. Sheena, I want you to live your life normally just like how other 21 year old lady live. Kung magkukulong kalang sa kwarto o sa ospital, mas iiksi ang buhay mo." Hindi parin nagsi-sink in. Bakit ngayon? Bakit ako?

After one week, I asked my mom and dad to let me be free. I resigned from my current job and applied to my Aunt's office para daw at least, may makakakita sakin relative if ever atakihin ako. But before I go to my new office, nagpunta muna ako sa baywalk. Gusto kong i-appreciate ang ganda ng gawa ni Lord. Then, nakita ko ang mga batang kalye na namamalimos at nangunguha ng mga pagkain sa basurahan. I thought I never deserve this life. Pero sila, they were fighting for their life and praying that they could have the life I have. Umiyak nalang ako habang naiisip kong maaaring sa mga oras na ito, mamamatay na ako. Then I heared a shutter. Lumingon ako and I saw a guy wearing gray shirt and black pants. Tiningnan ko siya ng matagal. Parang lalapit na sana siya sakin pero bigla nalang siyang umalis. He might be late for work. Nagpunta nadin ako sa office ni Tita pero umalis nadin ako agad dahil nag-rest muna ako.

Iniisip ko kung worth it pa ba ang mga gagawin kong bagay sa loob ng isang taon kung in the end, mawawala din naman ako? I want rest. I want my final rest. Pero something inside me is saying that I need to fight for my life. So I did. The next day, pumasok ako ng maaga. Pagpasok ko sa office, sabi ni Tita magrest daw muna ako. Upo lang daw muna ako sa table ko at mag-intay lang daw ako ng signal niya. Shocks! I never applied for this job. Writer ako sa past work ko. Pero I had to give up all of that dahil hindi makakabuti sakin ang graveyard shift. Pero mas gugustuhin ko na yon kesa sumweldo ako ng nakatunganga lang sa office. Nainis ako kay Tita kaya lumabas ako ng office. "Sheena, I'm sorry for saying that. Please. I'm just trying to help you." Help me? Please! "No Tita. You're not helping. Please? Gusto ko lang maging normal ang buhay ko." Umalis ako sa harapan ni Tita with tears in my eyes. Alam kong hindi makakabuti sa akin ang maging malungkot pero sa araw-araw na tinatrato nila akong may sakit ay mas lalo akong naiinis at nadidisapppoint sa buhay ko.

Dare-daretso akong lumakad palabas ng building ng biglang, "aahhhhhh!" May nakabunggo sakin at dahil sa hina ng katawan ko, bumagsak kaagad ako. But waith, siya yung guy na nakita ko sa baywalk. Pero hindi ko na siya kinausap ng matagal at dahil itinayo niya ako sinabi ko nalang, "Thank you." 

Pagbalik ko sa office, andun siya. Katabi pa ng table ko ang table niya. Lumapit siya sakin, "Sheena, okay ka na ba?" No! Please No! Don't even care about me! Naaallergy na ako sa care! "I'm not asking you to care for me so please don't ask me." Nabadtrip ako. Like yeah, sobrang badtrip! Bakit kailangan lahat ng tao sa paligid ko ituturing akong bata? Bakit ba ganon ang buhay? After work, nagpunta nalang ako sa baywalk at sumigaw...."Badtriiiiip!" Pero, an unusual moment happened. May kasabay akong sumigaw ng badtrip. Lumingon ako, nakita ko si tablemate. Medyo nakonsensya ako sa ginawa niya kaya lumapit ako sa kanya. "Sorry kanina huh? Ano lang kase e...ummm" Patuloy na tumutulo ang mga luha sa mga ko. Hindi ko na alam pigilan pa ang mga luhang ito. Pakiramdam ko, isang word pa hahagulgol na ako. Pero lalo akong lumapit sa kanya, "Ang hirap kase. Alam mo ba yon? Gusto ko lang mabuhay ng normal bakit hindi pa nila maibigay sa akin? Ayoko naaaa!" Hindi ko alam bakit kailangan akong magpaka baliw ng ganon sa harap ng lalaking hindi ko naman kilala. Naging komportable kase akong sabihin yun sa kanya sa hindi ko pa nalalamang dahilan. Tapos bigla nalang niya akong niyakap, "Wag. Please Wag. Wag mong hayaang masira ang buhay mo. Andito lang ako. Sasamahan kitang mabuhay ng normal?" Takot. Takot ang nararamdaman ko sa mga sandaling yakap-yakap niya ako. Natatakot akong bigyan ng malisya ang mga bagay bagay na ito at mauwi lang sa wala. Kaya lumayo ako sa kanya. "Sorry, hindi ko na alam...umm. Sige Aalis nadin ako. Ummm?" Hindi ko pa alam ang pangalan niya e. Sana nagets niya yung tanong ko. "Keith. It's Keith" Tapos umalis na ako agad-agad then I looked back and said, "Sige Keith. I'll see you around!" 

As time pass by, naging okay ang lahat sa amin ni Keith. I may not know if what I'm feeling is love, all I know was when I'm with him, I feel stronger and better and happier. Pakiramdam ko siya ang gamot sa sakit ko. Sabay na kami nagla-lunch. Sabay na napunta sa baywalk. Sabay na nauwi. At madalas nagtatawanan. Sabi sakin ng officemates ko, ngayon lang daw naging ganon si Keith. Natuwa naman ako. Ang saya niyang kasama. Nalilimutan kong malapit na akong mamatay. Nalilimutan kong may sakit ako.

Halos 8 months nadin pala ang nakakalipas. 8 months ko nadin kilala si Keith. Pero hindi ako nakakaramdam ng anuman sakit. Regular naman akong napunta sa doktor at sinasabi nga ni Doc na I don't look like I'm dying. So, kinuwento ko sa kanya kung bakit ganon nalang ako kasaya. "I'm so happy for you Sheena. Pero alam mo naman di ba? 2 months nalang ang binibilang natin oras. At kailangan na kitang..." Hindi ko na pinatapos si Doc ng paguusap niya dahil alam ko na kung saan hahantong toh.  Bakit kailangan ngayon ko pa makilala si Keith? Bakit kailangan mahalin ko pa siya? Dahil 2 months nalang, kailangan ko nang tumira sa hospital.

I knew that this day will happen. Nagpasa na ako ng resignation letter due until tomorrow. Matamlay ako ngayon araw na ito. Iniisip ko palang na sooner or later iiwan ko na si Keith, nasasaktan na ako. Itataboy ko na siya ngayon. Kailangan hindi ko siya pansinin pero nagpupumilit sya. "Sheena, lunch na tayo?" Wala akong ganang kumain, kunware, kaya umiling nalang ako para sabihin ayokong mag-lunch. As soon as they get to the canteen, umalis nadin ako at nagpunta sa aking happy place, ang baywalk. Pinag-iisipan ko kung sasabihin ko ba kay Keith na mahal na mahal ko siya. Pero hindi dapat, kailangan i-letgo niya ako.

As usual, nahanap ako ni Keith. "Anong nangyare sa'yo? Sabi ko na nga ba dito kita makikita e." I must ignore him. I must! "Bakit mo ba ako hinahanap?" Pinipilit kong wag tumingin sa mga mata niya. "May sasabihin ako sayo..." Pakiramdam ko alam ko na ang sasabihin niya. I must show him that whatever he says, I don't care. Pero.."Sheena, hindi ko na hahabaan huh? Mahal kita." Bakit? Gusto kong itanong nang paulit-ulit yan sa sarili ko? Bakit kailangan mahal din niya ako? "Keith, hindi pwede." Those are the only words I can say to him. Hindi ko kayang sabihin sa kanya ang lahat. Nakita kong nasasaktan na siya ngayon palang, "Bakit?" Tinanong niya ako with tears in his eyes. Sheena, paki-explain naman sakin oh. Hindi ko maintindihan e. Masaya naman tayo di ba?" That's the point Keith. Masiyado akong masaya sa'yo kaya I have to let you go. "Oo. Masaya ako kapag kasama kita. Hindi ko rin maintidihan ang nararamdaman ko. Pero hindi pwede. Hindi talaga pwede. Maiintidihan mo din ang lahat soon." Pero he is so eager to know what's going on. He even asked me kung may asawa nadaw ba ako? May boyfriend or may anak na. That made me laugh a bit. Then I saw him crying. His eyes are like begging me to stop now. Lumapit ako sa kanya at hinawakan ang mga mukha niya, "Hindi ka dapat umiiyak. Please find someone better than me. Please let me go." I'm trying to put all things with him in a nice way. Ayokong itaboy siya sa paraang mas masasaktan siya. Pero ganun nalang niya ako kamahal para mahirapan syang paniwalaan ang lahat. "I'm so sorry. I wish I could tell you everything. But I can't. I want you to be happy. I want you to move on with your life." Then there he goes, he grabbed my arms and held it so tight, "Sheena, mahal na mahal kita. I won't let you go. Why don't you tell me everything?" Gusto ko sanang idaan ito lahat sa maayos na usapan. Pero mukhang titigil ang si Keith kapag sinabi kong tama na. "Pwede ba Keith? I'm trying! Kalimutan mo na ako. Hindi kita mahal. Walang tayo. Wag ka nang umasa!" Masakit man sabihin ang mga salitang iyon, kailangan ko talagang sabihin dahil pag hindi, hindi matatapos ang usapang ito.

Lumayo na ako sa kanya. Inaantay kong habulin niya ako pero maka ilang minuto na ang nakalipas, wala parin Keith ang humahawak sa kamay ko para pigilan ako. Lumingon ako to see if he's walking to me, pero I just saw him standing there at nakatungo pa. All I could remember was a bright light shine upon me at nahimatay nalang ako. Narinig ko pa ang mga taong nagkakagulo dahil sa pagbagsak ko then I hear a familiar voice, it was Keith's. "Sheena! Sheena! Sheena!" 

I love Keith and I have to let go my love and fight for my life. :( I always knew that they were inseperable pero this time, I have to let them apart. Alam kong maaaring maging mas masaya ang last days ko dahil sa kanya, pero ayoko lang na itapon sa kanya ang mga ala-alang alam kong mawawala nalang bigla. I'm Sheena, and whatever it takes, I will fight for LIFE. Dahil nais ko pang mabuhay pa para kay Keith. But if loving him will just hurt him in the future, I had to let him go and choose to live my life even though anytime, I might lose it.

Love, Life, and Death

Love

Keith Point of View (POV)

For so many years, I never believed in falling in love, sparks, and mutual understanding. I never had relationship and never did I planned to have one. I'm Keith. I'm 23 years old and I'm a single, loveless, and workaholic photojournalist. Siguro kaya ako bitter sa mga love stories dahil sa mga naranasan ko sa buhay. Kumabit sa ibang babae ang Daddy ko nung 13 years old palang ako and my mom suffered from cancer for 4 years and died when I was 20. Solo lang naman akong anak kaya I learned to live on my own. I didn't finished my college degree and decided to pursue my mom's dream, to be a succesful photojournalist. Since then, pinaniwala ko na ang sarili ko na True Love don't exist. So why would I want it?

Everyday was just normal. Napunta ako sa office, napunta ako sa area kung saan may balita, at minsan, freelance fashion photographer din ako. Usual lang sa buhay ng isang mangunguha ng litrato ang buhay ko. Walang gimik. Walang barkada. Walang lovelife. Akala ko okay na lahat. Pero naramdam ko din naman na may kulang sa akin. Para mag-isip isip, nagpunta ako sa baywalk. Nag-muni muni lang at nagkukuha ng litrato. May nakita akong babae. Tama lang ang distansya niya sa akin, naiyak siya at parang nasasaktan. I took a photo of her then she looked at me with her teary eyes. I can't explain what I feel. Nasasaktan ako sa nakikita ko. I had a drop of courage pero tumagal lang yung ng milliseconds kaya umalis nalang din ako at nagpunta sa trabaho.

"Pre, kilala mo na ba yung bagong employee?" bigla akong kinuhit ng officemate ko. Medyo chickboy kasi siya. Pwede sa chick, pwede sa boy! Kaya kung may bagong empleyado, updated siya. Oo, hindi naman masamang alamin kung sino ang mga bago sa company, pero what for? HAHA. Suplado ako e. "Oh? Sino naman yon? For sure girlfriend mo na siya next week." Habang nakatutok ako sa mga ineedit kong mga photo. Bigla ko na naman nakita ang pinakapaborito kong litrato. Ang kuha ng isang babae naiyak sa baywalk kaninang sunrise. Ewan ko bakit favorite ko ito. Siguro dahil maganda ang babae? At tsaka I can feel na may mabigat siyang dinala pero I never grabbed the chance to talk to her kase, what for nga naman? AHAHA. "Pre! Yan yung bagong empleyado ah? Kilala mo na pala e! Bilis mo huh?" What? Siya toh? Imposible! Pero...ano naman kung siya toh? "Hmmm. Talaga? Anu naman?" Kunwari wala akong pakialam na siya ang bagong employee pero sa loob loob ko, gusto ko din siyang makita...ulit. "Sus! Pare! Pasuplado ka pa jan! Iiskoran ko na Keith huh? Nakakainis ka kase e! Lahat nalang ng crush ko sa'yo nagkakagusto pero hindi mo naman pinapansin! Akin yon huh?" Edi kanya! Lagi naman sakin sinasabi ni Aldrin yan pero wala naman akong pakialam. Pero bakit this time parang gusto ko siyang pigilan? Siguro dahil nakita ko nang umiyak yung babae so I therefore conclude na brokenhearted pa siya? Is this what you call caring?

The whole day, hindi ko naman siya nakita. Though hindi ko naman talaga siya hinahap dahil marami nadin ako ginawa. Pero, I keep asking myself, bakit kailangan makita ko siya sa baywalk? I really want to know why she's crying that morning. I'm curious. At aaminin ko, this was the first time that I ever lay my eyes on a girl.

The next morning, nagpunta ulit ako sa baywalk praying na sana andun siya ulit. But unfortunately, wala siya. Pumasok nalang ako nang biglang, "Awww!" Hala! May nabunggo ako. Napatumba pa siya. "Miss, okay ka lang? Sorry po miss, hindi po kita nakita." Tinulungan ko naman siyang makatayo. Bigla  naman lumapit si Maam Lucile na boss ko. "Sheena, are you okay? What happened? Nasaktan ka ba?" Tapos tinanggal nung babae ang pagkakakapit sa kanya ni Maam. Wow! Guts! "Tita, enough. I'm okay." Then she looked at me. Napaka amo ng mukha at mata niya. "Thank you." At umalis na siya. Out of confusion, tinanong ko si Maam, "Maam, are you related to her?" Then Maam Lucile took me the someplace and sit, "Upo muna tayo... Yes. Pamangkin ko siya. And, she's special, to me. Keith, I trust you. Ayaw kasi niyang papakialam ko siya. Pwede bang bantayan mo siya, nang hindi niya alam?" Kahit hindi ko din alam kung anong dahilan, pumayag nalang ako kay maam kasi siguro importante yun.

Pumasok na ako sa office at nakita ko si Sheena sa tabi ng table ko. "Sheena, okay ka na ba?" Tapos bigla siyang tumayo at lumapit sakin, "I'm not asking you to care for me so please don't ask me!" Natulala nalang ako bigla. Nagtinginan silang lahat sakin. Tatayo ba sana ako para kausapin din siya at pagsabihan for showing that attitude pero pinigilan ako ni Aldrin. "Pre, relax. Badtrip daw siya. Nagtext sakin. HAHAHA" 

Kung badtrip siya bakit niya ako dinadamay? Badtrip ah! Nabad-vibes na ako buong araw. Syempre. Bago ako magpunta sa condo, daan muna akong baywalk. Medyo nakakabadtip eh. Mahilig din ako sumigaw sa baywalk. At gusto kong ilabas ang sama ng loob ko ngayon. Wala pang babae ang nang ganon sakin, siya palang! "Badtripppppp!" Sumigaw ako ng malakas na malakas. Wala akong pake sa mga nasa paligid ko. Pero teka? May kasabay akong sumigaw. Napalingon ako, si Sheena! "Sheena..." Bigla siyang lumapit sakin. Nakita ko na naman ang mga malungkot at luhaan niyang mata. "Sorry kanina...ano lang kase e...ummm..." Tapos humagulgol na siya. Nako! Hindi ako marunong mag comfort. Hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko. Mukhang pag tinuloy pa niya ang sasabihin niya, lalo lang siyang maiiyak e. Paano ba ito? Tapos lumapit pa siya lalo sakin, "Ang hirap kase. Alam mo ba yon? Gusto ko lang naman mabuhay ng normal? Bakit hindi parin nila maibigay yon? Ayoko naaaa!" Parang nagbabadya siyang magpakamatay! Hala! Napayakap nalang ako sa kanya ng mahigpit at nasabi ko nalang, "Please. Wag. Wag mong hayaang masira ang buhay mo. Andito lang ako. Sige. Sasamahan kitang mabuhay ng normal." Ako ba ito? Tama ba ang mga salitang nasambit ko? Kasi bigla nalang siyang napalayo sakin "Sorry. Hindi ko na alam...umm. Sige. Alis na ako..umm?" I know she's asking for my name. "Umm. Keith. It's Keith." Tapos lumakad na siya palayo. "Umm. Sige Keith. I'll see you around." What is this? What is really is this?

Lumipas ang mga panahon, naging magkaibigan din kami ni Sheena. Siya ang unang officemate ko na sinamahan ko sa lunch at hinatid ko sa LRT. Siya din ang unang babae niyaya kong mag emote sa baywalk kahit pareho naman talaga namin hobby yun. There's something really special about Sheena na, siguro, nagustuhan ko. Nung una takot ako. Natatakot akong lunukin ang mga pinaniwalaan ko bago mamatay si Mommy. Pero I never knew na darating na ako sa point na ganito, in love na nga ata ako. Iba kasing klaseng babae si Sheena. Simple lang siya. Hindi nga siya nagmemake up kasi sabi niya allergic daw siya. Palatawa lang siya at alam kong kahit korny mga jokes ko, tinatawanan padin niya. Napaka-humble niya. Ang sweet at ang charming pa. Medyo may pagka mataray nga lang. Pero hindi ko na pinansin yun kasi one thing I'm sure, masaya ako pag kasama ko siya. I never felt this way before. Hindi ko alam kung kelan ba ako nagsimulang maramdaman toh sa kanya at hindi ko din alam ang rason. Ngayon, I think I must believe in true love. It really does exist. Pero, how can I be sure na mahal niya rin ako?

Matagal kong pinag-isipan toh. Kailangan ko na talagang aminin kay Sheena ang nararamdaman ko. "Sheena, lunch na tayo?" Inaya ko na siyang kumain pero parang wala siyang gana. "Sige Keith. Ikaw nalang muna. Dito lang ako." Nag-aalala ako sa kanya. Parang may problema na naman siya. Bakit ganon? Iniiwasan ba niya ako? "Sure ka ba? Sige. Bilan nalang kita ng pagkain." Nakatungo lang siya sa table niya at parang walang pakialam sa mundo. Umiling nalang siya na sign na wag ko nalang daw siya ibili ng lunch. Nagmadali akong kumain ng lunch para kausapin si Sheena, pero pagbalik ko sa office, wala na siya. "Pre, asan si Sheena?" Tinanong ko si Aldrin. Malamang alam nito yun. Crush na crush niya yun e! "Ah. Pre, umales! Nagtext saken." Asan naman kaya yung babaeng yun? Nahihirapan na akong huminga. Pakiramdam ko hindi ko na kakayanin kapag may nangyaring masama kay Sheena. Pinalipas ko nalang ang buong hapon dahil kailangan ko rin tapusin ang trabaho ko. Parang alam ko na kase kung saan siya pumunta. Siguro problemado na naman yun. After office hours, nagpunta agad ako sa baywalk para hanapin siya. Tama nga ako. Andun siya. Hindi na ako nagdalawang isip na lapitan siya. "Huy. Anong nangyari sa'yo? Sabi ko na nga ba dito kita makikita e." Tiningnan niya na naman ako. "Bakit mo ako hinahanap?" Bakit nga ba? Hala! "May sasabihin kase ako sa'yo." Tumungo nalang siya. Parang hindi siya interesado sa mga sasabihin ko. "Ummm. Sheena...hindi ko na hahabaan huh?... MAHAL KITA." Napalayo siya ng bahagya sa akin. "Keith. Hindi pwede...." Huh? Anong male? Okay kame di ba? Masaya siya? Masaya ako? Ito na ba yung sinasabi nilang heartache? Ang sakit kase. "Bakit?" Ayokong umiyak. Hindi ako iiyak. Pero ito palang ang unang pagkakataon na magmahal ako ganito pa. Lanjo naman oh! "Pwede mo bang iexplain sakin Sheena? Di ko maintindihan e. Masaya naman tayo di ba?" Tiningnan niya ako sa mga mata ko. May gusto siyang ipanintindi sakin pero hindi ko maintindihan. "Keith, oo. Masaya ako kapag kasama kita. Hindi ko rin maintindihan ang nararamdaman ko. Pero hindi pwede. Hindi talaga tayo pwede. Sorry If I gave you something to hope for pero talagang hindi pwede. Hindi ko rin pwedeng sabihin sayo kasi masasaktan ka lang lalo." Siguro may boyfriend na siya. O kaya may asawa na? Pero bakit kailangan mangyari pa sa amin toh? "May boyfriend ka ba? May asawa ka na? Or anak?" Napatawa naman siya ng konti.."Keith, wala! Dalaga ako. At wala akong boyfriend. Maiintidihan mo din ang lahat Keith. Soon..." Ano toh? Teleserye? Abangan bukas? Kaya ko ba siyang intidihin? "Pero... pwede bang mahalin kita?" Ewan ko. As I say those words, naluluha ako. Hinawakan niya ang mukha ko ang pinahid ang mga luha ko. "Hindi ka dapat umiiyak. Gustong kong maging masaya ka. You must find someone better than me. Please let me go." Hindi pwede Sheena! Ikaw yung mahal ko! Bakit kailangan mo akong ipagtabuyan in a nice way? "Sheena. Hindi ko kasi maintidihan lahat ng toh. Pwede bang bukas na tayo mag-usap. Ang sakit e." Tumayo siya na parang nagbabadyang umalis na, "I'm so sorry. I wish I could tell you everything. But I can't. I want you to be happy. I want you to move on with your life." Pero bakit pakiramdam ko, nung simulang makilala ko siya, saka lang nag move on ang buhay ko? Hinawakan ko ng mahigpit ang braso niya."Sheena, mahal na mahal kita. I won't let you go. Why don't you tell me everything?" Tinapon naman niya sa ere ang kamay ko..."Pwede ba Keith. I'm trying! Kalimutan mo na ako! Hindi kita mahal okay? Please? Walang tayo. Wag ka nang umasa!" At tumakbo siya palayo sa akin. Susundan ko siya pero my subconscious mind tells me not to. Inaantay ko siyang lumingon pero malayo na siya, hindi parin siya lumilingon, Dahil hindi ako naniniwalang hindi niya ako mahal, nasabi ko nalang"Kapag lumingon siya, kahit isang beses lang, susundan ko siya." Pero hindi siya lumilingon, napaluha nalang ako at napapikit. Pero pag-mulat ko, wala na si Sheena. Para bang panaginip lang ang lahat.

Suddenly, nakita kong nagkakagulo ang mga tao sa huling lugar na natanaw ko siya. Anong meron? May narinig nalang ako, "Yung babae! Bumagsak!" Babae? Baka si Sheena yon! Hindi na ako nagpatumpik-tumpik pa! Pumunta na ako sa nagkakatumpol-tumpol na tao at nakita ko nga si Sheena na nakahiga sa semento. "Sheena! Sheena! Sheena!!!!" 

I rushed her to the hospital. Habang nasa ambulansya kami at hawak-hawak ko ang mga kamay niya, pinagdesisyunan kong kahit anong mangyari, ipaglalaban ko ang pagmamahal ko sa kanya. Kahit ilang beses pa niya akong itaboy. Kahit ilang beses pa niya akong saktan. I'm Keith, and whatever it takes, I will fight for LOVE. And I will never ever let her go.

The MU Zone (One Shot)

"If you think that I can't accept you being in love with someone else, you're wrong. Wala akong magagawa kundi ang hayaan ka. Di kita papalayain dahil kahit kailan naman, hindi ka naging akin."

This is just a usual love story. Boy befriend the girl, girl falls in love, boy says they're just friends. Girl will cry. End of story. Pero gusto ko padin i-share ang kwentong ito.

I'm Saira. I'm 23 and I'm single since the day I existed in this world. I never cared if everyone around me is into a serious relationship. And actually, mostly of my friends come to me and ask me for an advice. "Hello? Single since birth here?" Yet, they still find my advises helpful. Hmmm. Siguro pag nagka-boyfriend na ako, maayos na ang magiging relationship ko with that guy. Ang galing ko daw mag-advice e.

When I was 17, sinabi ko sa sarili ko na hindi ako magboboyfriend hangga't hindi ako tapos ng pag-aaral. But when I was 19, I met Justin.

Third Year college na ako nun. Aaminin ko. Justin is simple. Hindi gustuhin. Hindi mala-prince charming ang dating. At sa sampung babae na makakasalubong niya, himala na ang isang papansin sa kanya. HAHA. Joke lang. May mga nagkaka crush din naman sa kanya. siya yung sa unang tingin,gwapo. Pero pag tumagal, simple nalang. Hindi siya katulad ng pinapangarap kong Korean Actor na si Lee Min Ho. Hahaha. Pero masaya ako na nakilala ko siya.

One day, I was sitting and reading a book at our university library. Then a guy asked me, "Miss, may naka-upo po ba dito." Awkward. Like so awkward. Baket? Kasi ako lang ang tao sa library that time pero dun pa siya pepwesto. "Ako." Sabi ko sa kanya with a mataray tone. "Umm. What I mean was here? Dito po." Sabay turo sa bangko na one bangko away from me. Uh yes. Okay. Medyo fool ako. "Umm. Haha. Wala. As you can see, tayo lang ang nagfifeeling na matalino this time sa library. So go, upo ka lang jan kuya." Tapos napatawa si Kuya at naupo. Few minutes later, umusap siya "Umm. Miss, Justin nga po pala." And he offered me a hand shake. I looked at his hands, looked at him, grab his hands and said, "Saira." Awkward. Kaya nagbasa nalang ulit ako. Then, "I like your personality. Napaka-interesting." Huh? So sa lagay na yun interesting pa talaga ang personality ko. Waaaa. This is unusual. Mejo off kasi ako sa mga boys na di ko kilala talaga. Ayoko kasi ng feeling close, feeling friendly, at feeling presko. Pero he seems interesting din. "Huh? Interesting pa yun e natarayan nga ata kita." While looking at his face, mejo napatulala ako. Hala! "Saira, okay ka lang?" Tapos, naging matino na ako. "Uh, yeah. Okay lang ako. Ummm. Una na ako. Gabi nadin kasi. Sige, bye!" Lumabas na ako ng library then I noticed na may sumusunod saken? "Huy? Bakit mo ako sinusundan?" Hala! Magnanakaw ata toh or something. "Ummm. Napansin ko kasing wala kang kasama or kasabay man lang pauwi, hatid na kita. Kahit hanggang sakayan lang."  And he gave me that sweet smile that I would never forget. "Wag na. Okay lang ako." Pero makulit siya "Sige. Pauwi nadin naman ako. Sabay na ako." Makulet! "Sige na nga." 

Hindi ko akalain na simula nang araw na yon, magbabago na ang buhay ko. I mean ang routine na nakasanayan ko na. When I got home, nag-fb ako. I checked my messages notification and then, friend requests. What? May friend request? Tapos mutual friend pa namin ang nag-iisang crush kong si Bernard. Hmm. Lemmee see. Then I realized na Justin ang name ng nag-add sakin? Justin? Ah! Justin! That guy I met few hours ago. Wow huh? Agad nahanap. So, mga 1 minute kong pinag-isipan kung ico-confirm ko ba ang request niya but in the end, Yes, kinonfirm ko nga. HAHA. Nag-message siya bigla. "Wow! Thank you sa pag-confirm Saira. It was really nice meeting you." Magrerelpy ba ako? Hmmm. Wag na... Tapos nag-message ulit siya, "Pwede bang makuha number mo?" *kroo-kroo* "Umm. Sige. Sana magkita ulit tayo. Goodnight!" Ummm. Kunware nakatulog na ako naiwan kong bukas ng fb ko or kaya umalis ako so late ko na nabasa. Nag type ako. "Hi Justin. Salamat sa pag-add" *backspaceeee*, type again. "Hi Justin. Here's my number..0926--" *backspaceeee* Hindi ko alam ang sasabihin. Hindi ko alam ang gagawin. Hanggang nakatulog na ako. Wala na. Nakatulog na ako.

Kinabukasan. "Uy. Saira." Waaaaa. Si Justin! "Uy. Justin." Uy! hahaha. "Naka-online ka kagabi di ba? Nabasa mo ba message ko?" Inside my head, iniisip ko kung ano ang sasabihin ko. Hinde? Kasi Tulog na ako nun? Eh kaso kinonfirm ko ang request niya. Hinde? Kasi umalis ako after I confirm his request? Waaaa. Amaylayer! Hindi ito karapat-dapat. "Ummm. Di ako nakareply e. Di ko alam sasabihin ko. :D" Truth, nothing but the truth. "Bakit naman?" Bakit nga ba Saira? Kasi nahihiya ako? Kasi natatakot ako? "Eh kasi... ummm. Inaantok na ako! *smiles*" Siguro naman naniwala na siya dun. Wooo! Sana! "Ah. ganun ba. Ah sige, so, can I get your number?" Hala! Ibibigay ko ba? Bakit ko ibibigay? Eh ang nagtetext lang ata sakin ay yung Nanay ko kapag pinapauwi na ako. O kaya yung mga classmate ko na maya't-maya nag-ggm. Anong pag-uusapan namin sa text? Bakit ganito? "Umm. don't worry. Nag-shift kasi sa course niyo. Ilang beses nadin kita nakita kase ka-section kita. Di mo lang ako napapansin kasi nasa unahan ka lagi. Matalino ka siguro. Kukunin ko lang number mo, since classmate kita. Okay lang ba?"  sabi ko nalang. "Sige." Ahhh. Eh classmate ko naman pala ang mokong e! "Ano? Sabay na tayo pumunta sa room?" He asked me while looking directly into my eyes. Wow! He's..."Sige" Hala. Na-hypnotized agad ako dun? Hahaha.

"Saira, si Justin toh. Paki-save nalang ng number ko. Salamat! :) Sana maging close tayo para may kaibigan na agad ako sa class." Saktong pagdating namin sa room, tumunog ang cellphone ko at ito ang nabasa ko. Nako naman! Di ko ugali ang gumamit ng cellphone sa loob ng classroom. Tapos nag-misscall pa siya. Buti nalang wala pa ang instructor namin. Tapos tumingin siya sakin. Ngumiti. I smiled back. Sabay tingin sa cellphone ko. "Huy. Reply naman jan. :D" Tiningnan ko ulit siya. Tumingin din naman siya. Pasigaw na bulong kong sinabi, "Wala akong load! Tsaka nalang!" After 5 minutes "You just received 50 worth of load from 0927 blah blah blah." Hala. Sinendan niya ako ng load? Mayamanin! "Oh ayan. May load ka na. Unli na, reply na! hahaha" 

Masiyado siguro mabilis ang mga pangyayari. Masiyado din naging mabilis ang namuong pagkakaibigan namin. halos sa isang araw, hindi pwedeng hindi kami magkakasama. Kami na nga ata ang laging magkasama. Kumain man, mag-gawanng projects, magpunta sa paprintan, sa paxeroxan, sa pagpapasa ng requirements at kung ano-ano pa. Marami narin ang nagtanong kung, "kami ba?" Pero ewan ko. Ganito na ba yung matatawag ng "Relationship?" Since I never experienced having a relationship, hindi ko alam kung paano yung nagsisimula. Di ko din alam kung paano ba malalaman kung nanliligaw na ba ang lalaki. Napaka-inosente ko talaga. Pero ito. Go with the flow lang ako. Masaya naman ako, at siya. Masaya kami sa kung anong meron kami kahit di ko maintindihan.

Pero siguro nga, hindi mo ito matatawag na ordinaryong friendship lang. Kasi, aaminin ko, kinikilig ako. At everytime na kasama ko siya, ibang yung sayang nararamdaman ko. Para bka akong naiinlove na. Pero alam kong hindi dapat. Pero, di rin akalain na darating narin yung araw na kinakatakutan ko, ang araw na inamin ko na sa sarili kong mahal ko na siya.

"Justin, okay lang tayo di ba?" Nakaupo kami sa isang sulok ng library malapit sa may aircon. "Oo naman. bakit?" Bakit ko nga ba kasi tinanong ang tanong na ito. Ang hirap. Gusto ko nang sabihin sa kanya yung nararadaman ko pero gusto ko din malaman muna ang nararamdaman niya. "Wala lang. Iba kasi yung setting natin. Kung...kung ikukumpara mo sa ibang magkaibigan, di ba?" Tapos direstso lang siya ng pagbabasa. "Justin" Narinig kaya niya yon? Oh wala lang talaga siyang pakialam? "Ummm. Oo. Siguro. Sobrang close kasi natin. Parang tayo na nga eh." OMY! OMY! The word! Teka!!!! "Parang tayo?" Kunware hindi ko alam. Kunware manhid ako. Pero in reality, nagti-twinkle-twinkle yung mata kong nakatingin sa kanya habang nag-iintay ng sagot niya. "Oo. Parang tayo. Kasi gusto kita, gusto mo ba ako?" Oh Noh! Saira! Wag mong ibibigay ang magic word! Nakareserve yan kay Mr. Right! "Ummm. Di ko alam." Ngumiti lang siya sakin. Parang feeling ko ramdam na niya na may gusto ako sa kanya. "Masaya naman tayo ng ganito. Let's stay this way." Okay. Kung ano man yung this na yon. Sige lang.

Hinayaan ko nalang ang mga bagay na mangyari. Naging masaya din ako kasi parang 'kami' nga. Sinusundo at hinahatid niya ako sa bahay. Nagdedate kami paminsan-minsan. May holding hands. Pero hindi clear ang relationship. Minsan naguguluhan na talaga ako. Ayoko na. Ayoko nang lumayo sa kanya. Pero gusto ko nang alisan ang kung anong meron kame.

Isang araw, nakita ko nalang siyang naiyak sa may bench palabas ng building namin. "Uy. bakit ka umiiyak." Niyakap nalang niya ako. Hinayaan ko lang matigil ang iyak niya hanggang tanungin ko siya ulit, "Bakit ka umiiyak?" Tiningnan niya ako sa mga mata ko at sinabing, "Mahal na mahal ko padin siya. May boyfriend na siya. At hindi ko alam ko alam ang gagawin ko. I want her. I love her." Napatula nalang ako. Hindi ko alam ang magiging reaksyon ko. Magagalit ba ako? Magseselos? Maiinis? Tapos he said, "Saira, can you stay by my side?" O..."Huh? Ano ka ba? We're FRIENDS! I'm always here for you." Shunga. Tapang-tapangan kong sinabi na okay lang sakin ang lahat. Na kaya kong pakinggan ang lahat ng sasabihin niya tungkol sa babaeng yon. "Sino ba yon?" At ayon. Nagkwento na siya at napag-alaman kong yun pala ang ex niyang mahal padin niya. Masaket. Oo. Pero ano bang magagawa ko, eh ano lang ako. Oo. Kung ano man yon.

Dahil sa nangyari, I felt distant. Feeling ko inagawan ako ng choco butternut. Pero kung papipiliin man ako between him or 2 dozens choco butternut, siya ang pipiliin ko. Mas masaya ako sa piling niya. Hindi ko din naman maiwasan umiyak ng umiyak ng umiyak ng hindi niya alam. Sa tuwing tatawag siya at sasabihin niyang mahal niya yung babae, naiyak ako. Pero, parang mahal ko na siya. Wala akong magagawa kundi makinig na parang statue. Kunwari walang nararamdaman, walang reaksyon. Sana nga statue nalang ako. San manhid nalang ako.

Pero, a week before our graduation, nakipagkita ako sa kanya.. Handa na akong sabihin sa kanya ang lahat. Gusto ko nadin matapos ang lahat. Di ko na siya maintidihan. Bakit kailangan ako. Bakit niya sakin pinaramdam to. Gagraduate na kami kaya bago pa man maging komplikado ang mga bagay-bagay, tatapusin ko nalang.

"Justin, may sasabihin ako sayo." Alam na yata niya ang sasabihin ko o di kaya may hint na siya kahit papano. Lumapit siya sakin, hinawakan ang kamay ko at sinabing, "Kung ano man yang sasabihin mo, please, wag mo akong iiwan." Binitawan ko ang mga kamay niya. Tiningnan ko siya sa mga mata niya. "Hindi. Hindi na pwedeng ituloy ko pa ang ganitong relasyon. Kung ano man ang meron tayo. Naging masaya ako sa mga araw na nakasama kita at nasabi ko ngang, 'parang tayo', pero sa araw-araw na makikita kita at makakasama, nasasaktan na ako. Di ko na kayang makasama ka pa ng ganito lang tayo. Aaminin ko. Minsan ko na ding pinag-dasal sa Diyos na sana balang araw maging 'tayo', pero nawawalan na ako ng pag-asa. After graduation, kalimutan mo na ako. Burahin mo na ako sa friendlist mo. Burahin mo na ang number ko. Alisin mo na ako sa buhay mo." Umiiyak siyang yumakap sakin ng mahigpit. Tinulak ko siya palayo sa akin. Hindi pwedeng ganito. "Bakit mo ba kasi ginawa sakin to? Bakit ako? Bakit mo ako nilapitan nun sa library? Sana hindi nalang nangyari to. Para hindi ko alam na kapag nagmahal pala, masasaktan ka lang. Tigilan na natin toh. Oo, mahal kita. Mahal na mahal kita. Pero hindi pwedeng ako lang ang nagmamahal. Paasa ka naman e! Bakit ka ba nagiging sweet sakin? Para san ba yon?" 

Hinawakan niya ang mga kamay ko, this time, dalawang kamay na, with tears in his eyes, "Nung una gusto ko makalimot. Sa library, I was trying to get myself together and looking at you, I felt better Eventually, minahal din kita...kaso..." Kaso. Di ba? Ang saket! Okay na sana e. Mahal na niya ako, kaso..."Kaso ano? Mas mahal mo siya? Hindi ko nadin mapigilang umiyak. Nasasaktan na ako. "Saira, wag namang ganito oh. Wag mo naman akong lalayuan. Wag Saira. I can't let you go. Please" Matigas ako. At matagal ko nang prinaktis ang mga sasabihin ko. Di ako pwede magkamali. Di ako pwede maging marupok. Wala akong magagawa kundi gawin toh. Para kung masasaktan man ako, isang boom nalang hindi yung araw-araw, inuuti-uti niyang pira-pirasuhin ang puso ko. "Justin, di ka pwede magmahal ng dalawang tao. You don't love me, you're just lonely. Forget about me. Di kita papalayain dahil kahit kailan naman, hindi ka naging akin." 


Written by: Rio Krizelle Rana
Date: July 4, 2013 10:57 PM

Note: Not a real story.

I love you, ate

Candice Point of View (POV)

Kailan ba ang unang beses mong maramdaman ang magmahal? Kelan mo ba sinimulang mag hintay? At hanggang kalian ka mag aantay?

As for me, it was 5 years ago. I fell in love with a boy. Yes, a boy who is 7 years younger than me. Awkward right? So, 2nd highschool palang siya nung magkita kami. I saw him and nothing really special happened.

“Ate, pink ba ang favorite color mo?” Tinanong niya ako noon at our first meeting. It was just nothing at all kasi parang, Hello? Unang pagkikita nalang naming favorite color agad? Di ba pwedeng pangalan muna? Nakakatuwa kasi when we first met, grabe! Ang tagal naming nag-usap. I really felt so comportable nung makausap ko siya. We were laughing, sharing some thoughts, drawing at each others hand and playing thumb boxing. It was some kind of childish ways, so I asked him, “Ilan taon ka na ba?” I was waiting for his answer. Ang tagal kasi niya sumagot. Ewan ko ba sa kanya. May pagka-ewan din kasi tong batang toh. So he said, “14 na po ako ate. Ikaw po?” Hmmm. 14 huh? Wow! And I said, “hmmm. Hulaan mo. HAHA. Wag na. 21 na ako. 7 years older. Teka anong pangalan mo? Kanina pa tayo nagkukulitan dito a.” He laughed and get shocked nung sabihin kong 21 years old na ako. Di ba halata? HAHA. “Ate. Ate talaga! Parang po kayong 16 o kaya 15 lang. Hmm. Alex nga po pala.” Hmmm. Not bad huh? Mukhang bata pala ako. So at the moment na nag shake hands kami, naramdaman kong nanginginig siya at namumula. “Ah. Ang bata naman nun. So I’m ate Candice. Natatakot ka ba sakin?” Tinanong ko siya, kasi sino ba naman ang taong manginginig ng ganun ng wala lang? “Hindi po ate. Natutuwa lang po ako. Ang ganda niyo po kasi tapos ang sarap kasama tapos ang galing niyo pa kumanta. IDOL ATE!” Although he was acting a little childish that time, he captured something in me. Sinabi ko nalang sa sarili ko, why would I like someone who is much younger than me? Kasi naman. It’s a little awkward to think na mas bata sakin ang nagugustohan ko at take note, upon first meeting, I liked him.

Minsan may pagkakataon na sinasabi niya sakin, “Ate, hintayin mo ako huh? Ako nalang ang future boyfriend mo. Pag 21 na ako, boyfriend mo na ako!” Natatawa ko namang sinabi,”Alex pag 21 ka na, 28 na ako. Syempre, tatanda padin ako!”

2 years had passed. He never stops acting weird. Binibigyan niya ang ng notebook na pink, flowers na pink, chocolates na pink, couple shirt na pink, sapatos na pink, at unan na pink. All of those really matters to me. Aside from the fact na lahat yun ay pink, I was overwhelmed to think na someone is putting so much effort to give me these things. Pero teka? Galing sa baon toh ah? So nung magbigay siya ulit sakin, this it was a pink pen. Tinanong ko siya, “San mo nakukuha yung pambili mo dito?” He looked down and said, “Pinagtrabahuhan ko po yan. Nagtrabaho po ako at sumali sa mga contest. Just for you ate.” I was shocked. Grabe lang? He was working all this time just to give me this? But I am still a little confused so I asked him, “Para san ba toh?” This 16 year old boy held my hands, looked into my eyes and handed me a bracelet, this time silver na siya, and said, “Gusto kitang ligawan ate, pwede po ba?” Oh no! A 16 year old boy is courting a 23 year old lady? No way! I just said, “Huh? Pero…” Nawala ako sa sarili ko ng konti kasi in my 23 years of existence, ngayon palang may nagsabi sakin niyan. And I admit it, kinilig ako sa ginawa niya. Paano ba toh magagawa ng 16 years old eh wala pa siyang alam sa love! “Ummmm. Alex kasi…I am 7 years older than you” Tapos mas lalo niyang hinawakan ang kamay ko. “Pero, age doesn’t matter diba? I poprove ko sayo na tama yon” Ewan ko. Gusto sabihin, ‘Sige. I want to see you to grow with me’ pero I said, “Alex, out there in the bigger picture, mas madaming deserving na babae na kasing edad mo. And I know hindi pa ito right time. Siguro ako nga yung para sayo, pero hindi ngayon.” He cried. Nasaktan ako nung makita ko siyang umiiyak na parang bata. Oo. Bata pa siya, pero sa pagkakakilala ko sa kanya, siya yung 16 years old na parang hindi 16 years old.

Syempre. After what happened, naapektuhan ang friendship namin. Nag-uusap kami, oo. Pero unlike before na parang unli kami sa usap. But then I saw him with a younger girl. It hurts a bit. Pero that’s how I want it to be eh. Gusto ko makakita nalang siya ng mas bata sakin para malimutan nalang niya yung feelings niya sakin. Pero lumapit siya sakin. Nahalata ata niyang tiningnan ko sila, “Ate Candice, nagseselos ka ba?” Oo. Nagseselos ako. Pero di ko naman sinabi yung syempre and sinabi ko lang, “Hindi. Natutuwa nga ako e. At least you found someone na ka-age mo di ba?” Tapos ayan na naman, hinawakan na naman niya kamay ko, this time sobrang higpit na talaga. “Kasi ate, pinsan ko po siya. And I am still hoping na meron “TAYO” in the future. Please Ate Candice. Let me prove it to you. I love you…” Those last words from him keep repeating to my ear. Baket? Bakit mo ako mahal? Ano ba! I’m confused. I’m having a mini heart attack. Grabe! Bakit kailangan dumating sa point na ganito. Dinagdag pa niya, “Ate, kahit 7 years ang tanda mo sakin, I don’t care. Gusto ko lang mahalin ka. The first time na magkita tayo ate naramdaman kong ikaw na talaga. Please let me prove it you na tapat ako ate. Handa akong mag intay ng 5 years or more para lang maging bagay na tayo. Pwede mo ba akong intayin ate? Please?” Waaaaaaaaaaaa! Iintayin ko siya? Eh paano yun pag inantay ko siya, baka naman ako ang maging single forever! Pero ewan ko ba. There’s something inside me na nagsasabing, “Sige na. Open your heart to him. It is not a sin to love a younger person.” So dahil dun I said, “sige, let’s wait” Then hugged me and kissed me on my forehead. “I love you so much ate Candice.”

A month after. Pinuntahan ko siya. I have to say something to him. “Bakit?” He asked me with a questioning face. I said, “Aalis ako. Pupunta ako ng Indonesia at magtatravel around ASIA for 5 years. Willing ka paring bang mag intay?” He hugged me so tight. It was as if I will be leaving tomorrow kahit by next 2 weeks pa ang flight ko. “Ate Candice, kahit anong mangyari, iintayin kita.“ He was crying while saying those words. Nung marinig ko yun, parang mas nahihirapan akong umalis. I was too attached with this boy kaya parang isa na siya sa dahilan ko kaya nahihirapan akong umalis. “Please keep your purity as I keep mine. Pag balik ko, malalaman na natin ang sagot. Basta we’ll wait. We’ll pray for God’s will.” While tapping his shoulder, I said those words just to comfort him. I just wish that it was comforting.

Departure. Ito na, aalis na ako. He was there. Kilala na siya ni mama at minsan, natatawa yung mama ko kasi sa edad kong 23, I still captured a 16 year old boy’s attention. He was standing there beside me. Hmmm. I will miss him. “Mag iingat ka huh?” As he place his left arm unto my shoulder. And by the way, he’s taller than me. I said, “Oo naman. Ikaw din mag iingat. Dami magkaka crush sayo jan. Tapos di ba magkacollege ka na. Nako makakahanap ka na ng iba.” Tapos parang nagalit siya sa sinabi ko. Tinanggal niya yung akbay niya sakin tapos umalis siya. Sinundan ko naman siya, “Hoy. Anong problema mo?” I shouted at him then he said, “Hindi ka ba talaga naniniwalang aantayin kita? Na mahal kita? Na ikaw lang ang mahal ko? Na pag-balik mo, walang magbabago? Huh?” Tapos nilapitan ko siya. Thinking of some ways to comfort him. One thing I did was, I hugged him and said “Gusto ko lang maging masaya ka. Pero sige. Mag-iintayan tayo. Pag-balik ko, asahan mo walang magbabago. Huh? Behave ka!” Then I saw a smile on his face as he places his lips on my forehead. So sweet! And he said, “Sige ATE Candice, Nothing will change.” Tapos ayan na. Tinawag na yung flight number ko. Waaa. It’s time to go na. Nag goodbye ako sa parents ko, mga pamangkin, kapatid at syempre, kay Alex. Kita ko sa mukha niya yung lungkot dahil habang kinakaway niya ang kamay niya sakin, naluha siya.

After 5 years, mejo mabilis ang mga pangyayari. Ang dami kong napuntahan. Halos buong ASIA ang nalibot ko. Sunod naman ang Philippines at world. Since ang field of work ko ay travelling, nawala sa isip ko ang mga lovelife na yan. Pero Alex never left my mind. Kahit saan ako magpunta, siya naiisip ko kaya sa bawat bansa na napupuntahan ko, nabili ako ng something na ibibigay ko kay Alex. Umabot na nga sa halos isang bag yung mga pasalubong ko sa kanya e. Excited na akong umuwi sa pinas. Para bang ito lang ang first time kong pumunta sa Pilipinas at ganito ako ka excited umuwi.  At the Airport. Nakita ko na ulit sa wakas si ate, mga pamangkin ko at si mama at papa. Pero wala siya. Sinenyas ko nalang kay mama kung kasama ba nila si Alex but sadly, sabi ng mama ko hindi daw siya sumama at may kailangan daw syang gawin. Hay…  bakit ba siya agad ang hinahanap ko?

Alex POV

                5 years ago. Na-inlove ako sa tinuturing kong Ate, si Ate Candice. 7 years man ang tanda niya sakin, wala akong pakialam. Basta alam ko mahal ko siya at pinagdesisyonan ko ang mahalin siya. Naalala ko pa nung unang beses ko siyang makita. Kumakanta siya nun. Tapos after niyang kumanta, nilapitan ko siya at tinanong ko siya, “Ate, pink ba ang favorite color mo?” HAHA. Oo. Alam kong nakakagulat na itanong ang ganung tanong pero ewan ko din bakit yun ang natanong ko. Ah! Kasi pink yung gitara niya. Wooo! So ayun, tama naman yung hula ko na pink nga yung favorite niyang kulay.  Ewan ko ba. Nag-click agad kami ni ate Candice sa araw na yun. Pero mga after ilang minutes pa na nag-uusap kami, tsaka palang namin nalaman ang edad at pangalan ng isa’t-isa. Oo, nagulat ako nung malaman kong 21 years old na siya. Pitong taon lang naman ang agwat ng edad niya sakin. Gusto ko na siya nung mga panahon na yun. Maganda kasi siya pero siya yung maganda na hindi nakakasawang tingnan. Ang cute talaga ni ate. Lagi ko nga siyang pinipisil sa pisngi niya. Hahah.

                Naging sobrang close kami. Sa sobrang gusto kong suyuin siya, nagtrabaho ako sa isang fast food chain at sumali ako sa mga pa contest sa barangay naming para magka pera ako. Gusto kong ibigay sa kanya yung mga bagay na pinaghirapan ko. Binigyan ko siya ng mga bagay na lahat kulay pink. Natutuwa ako sa tuwing pumupunta ako sa bahay nila para bisitahin siya. Nakakausap ko ang nanay niya. Nanay na nga din ang tawag ko sa nanay niya. Kalaro ko pa minsan ang mga pamangkin niya. Sobrang saya ko sa tuwing makikita ko yung mga ngiti niya sa tuwing makikita niya ako at sa tuwing binigyan ko siya ng regalo. Pero isang gabi nang magpunta ako sa kanila, parang nagbago ang lahat. Siguro nagtaka nadin siya  kung saan ba ako kumukuha ng pera para bilin sa kanya lahat ng regalo na yun. At ayun, nasabi ko na nga sa kanya na gusto ko siya. Hinawakan ko ang mga kamay niya. Yun yung gabing pakiramdam ko hawak ko ang mundo ko. Sobrang mahal ko siya. At sa mga panahong hawak ko ang kamay niya, nanginginig ako. Natatakot akong baka pag bitaw ko sa mga kamay niya, mawala nadin siya. Matapang kong sinabi sa kanya habang binigay ko sa kanya ang isang bracelet, “Gusto kitang ligawan ate, pwede po ba?” Natatakot akong malaman ang sagot niya. Ayokong ma-basted. Pero kung siya ang mambabasted sakin, hindi padin ako titigil. Tapos sinabi niya sakin, “Huh? Pero…” Oo. Pero… alam kong isasagot niya sakin yan. Sino ba naman kasing 16 years old na lalaki ang matapang na manliligaw sa isang 23 years old na babae. Ako lang naman yun. Gusto ko talaga si ate Candice at hindi ko na kayang pigilan ang nararamdaman ko. Gusto ko siya sa hindi ko malamang dahilan. At kahit anong mangyari, ipaglalaban ko siya. Tapos sinabi niya sakin, “Alex, out there in the bigger picture, mas madaming deserving na babae na kasing edad mo. And I know hindi pa ito right time. Siguro ako nga yung para sayo, pero hindi ngayon.” Ang sakit. Sobrang sakit. Pinagtatabuyan ba niya ako? Ewan ko. Pero sa loob loob ko, sige, antayin mo lang yung araw na ,may edad na nadin ako, mamahalin mo rin ako. Pero hindi. Hindi ko pwede ipagsaksakan sa kanya ang sarili ko kung ayaw niya talaga. Kasi naman,syempre mas gugustuhin na niya yung kasing edad niya. O kaya naman yung mas matanda naman sa kanya. Umiyak nalang ako na parang bata. Gusto ko siyang yakapin pero hindi ko ginawa. Baka mas mailang siya sakin. Tsaka ko nalang binitawan ang kamay niya para pahirin ang luha ko. Umalis ako sa harapan niya at dala ko ang takot nab aka dahil dito mag bago kami sa isa’t-isa.

Tama nga ako. Nagbago nga kami. Nag-uusap padin kami pero hindi na tulad ng dati. Namimiss ko na ang ate ko. Siya kasi yung ate ko na madaming naitulong sa akin. Tinutulungan niya ako sa projects ko, sa assignments ko, sa pag rereview ko, at minsan nag aadvice siya sakin kapag nagkakaproblema ako sa bahay namin. Naging ate siya sakin. Parang kapatid niya na nga ako kung ituring. Kahit anong pang-aasar ko sa kanya hindi man lang siya sakin nagagalit.  She’s like a perfect girl for me. Hindi na ako makakakita ng babaeng tulad niya. Isang araw, nakita ko siya. Tinitingnan niya ako habang kasama ko ang pinsan ko. Nagseselos ba siya? Na confirm ko yun nung tinanong ko siya, “Ate, nagseselos ka ba?” Tapos tiningnan ko siya sa mata. Nagseselos nga siya tapos sinabi pa niya, “Hindi. Natutuwa nga ako e. At least you found someone na ka-age mo di ba?” Oh diba! Nagseselos nga siya! Kasi iniisip niya na girlfriend ko yung pinsan ko. Kaya sinabi ko sa kanya, “Kasi ate, pinsan ko po siya. And I am still hoping na meron “TAYO” in the future. Please Ate Candice. Let me prove it to you. I love you…” Nakita kong nanlaki ang mata niya nung sabihin ko ang salitang “I love you” Ang sarap sabihin sa kanya ng mga salitang yun. Dahil alam kong kapag sasabihin ko sa kanya yun, nanggagaling talaga yun sa puso ko. Tapos sinabi ko pa sa kanya, “Ate, kahit 7 years ang tanda mo sakin, I don’t care. Gusto ko lang mahalin ka. The first time na magkita tayo ate naramdaman kong ikaw na talaga. Please let me prove it you na tapat ako ate. Handa akong mag intay ng 5 years or more para lang maging bagay na tayo. Pwede mo ba akong intayin ate? Please?” Ngayon lang ako nagseryoso ngayon ng ganito. Gustong gustoko talaga si ate. Mahal na mahal ko talaga siya. At nagdiwang ang buong pagkatao ko nung marinig ko sa kanyang, “sige, let’s wait” Hindi alam ni ate Candice kung gaano niya ako napasaya ngayon. Sobrang saya ko at hindi ko na napigilang yakapin siya at i-kiss siya sa noo. Hay. Ang sarap niyang mahalin. Ang sarap niyang yakapin. Ayoko nang tanggalin ang braso ko sa kanya at ang labi ko sa noo niya. Gusto kong yakapin siya lagi ng ganito. “I love you so much ate Candice” Muli ko na naming nasabi sa kanya ang mga salitang yan. At gusto ko yang sabihin sa kanya araw –araw, gabi-gabi, oras-oras, minu-munito, lagi-lagi!

Isang buwan na ang nakakalipas nang ligawan ko siya. Araw – araw ko siyang pinupuntahan sa bahay nila at minsan, sinasama ko siya sa bahay. Naging close na nga sila ni papa at minsan, siya ang nagluluto sa bahay. Ang sarap din niya magluto! Tapos isang gabi, pumunta siya sa amin. Ewan ko ba kung matatawa ako nung makita ko siyang naka pajama at naka t-shirt na malaki. Tutulog na ba siya? O dito siya matutulog? HAHA. Pero tinanong ko nalang siya, “Bakit?” Tapos parang nawasak ang mundo ko nung sabihin niyang, “Aalis ako. Pupunta ako ng Indonesia at magtatravel around ASIA for 5 years. Willing ka paring bang mag intay?” Bakit kailangan pa niyang umalis? Bakit ngayon pa? Pero sabi ko sa kanya, “Ate Candice, kahit anong mangyari, iintayin kita.” Habang yakap ko siya, sinabi ko ang mga salitang yun. Oo. Kaya kong mag-intay kahit gaano pa yan katagal. At alam kong kahit ano pa man ang mangyari, hindi siya mawawala sa puso’t-isip ko. Sinabi pa niya nun, “Please keep your purity as I keep mine. Pag balik ko, malalaman na natin ang sagot. Basta we’ll wait. We’ll pray for God’s will.” Ito ang isa ko pang gusto sa kanya, may takot siya kay Lord, tulad ko din. Kaya ko din siya piniling mahalin dahil dun. Alam ko kasing kapag siya ang minahal ko, sang ayon si Lord. Siya din ang babaeng matagal ko nang pinag-pepray kay Lord. At alam kong mas mahal ko si Lord kesa sa kanya, at ganun din siya. Kaya masaya din ako na pupunta siya ng ibang bansa dahil alam kong para kay Lord naman ang gagawin niya.

                Aalis na si Ate Candice ngayon. Nalulungkot man ako ngayon, part of me was happy, kasi alam kong matagal nadin niya yun pinag pray. Kahit noong bago pa man niya ako makilala, alam kong yun na ang gusto niya gawin. Sumama ako sa kanila paghahatid sa airport. Gusto ko siyang makita sa pag-alis niya. Gusto ko na yung mukha niya ang matatandaan ko sa susunod na limang taon. Gusto ko ngayong araw na ito, siya lang ang kasama ko. Habang nag-aantay kami ng pagtawag ng flight niya, nakatayo kami pareho at nakatingin sa kawalan. Gusto kong mag-spend ng time sa kanya ng ganito kami. Parang walang iniisip kundi ang isa’t-isa. Inakbayan ko siya at sinabing, “Mag-iingat ka huh?” Dahil mas maliit naman siya sakin, madali sakin ang akbayan siya. Tapos bigla nalang siyang nagsalita, “Oo naman. Ikaw din mag iingat. Dami magkaka crush sayo jan. Tapos di ba magkacollege ka na. Nako makakahanap ka nang iba.” Ewan ko ba bakit bigla nalang akong na bad-vibes sa sinabi niya. Hindi ba siya nagtitiwalang aantayin ko siya? Tapos umalis ako sa tabi niya, hinabol nalang niya ako at sinabing,” Hoy. Anong problema mo?” Nakita ko sa mga mata niya ang pag-aalala.At least nararamdaman kong may care nadin siya sakin. Sinagot ko naman siya, “Hindi ka ba talaga naniniwalang aantayin kita? Na mahal kita? Na ikaw lang ang mahal ko? Na pag-balik mo, walang magbabago? Huh?” Wooo! Sana maging epektib ang drama kong toh. Although alam kong totoo naman lahat ng sinabi ko sa kanya, natutuwa parin ako dahil ganito ako ka serioso sa kanya. Niyakap niya ako. Waaaa. Sobrang saya. Parang nararamdaman ko na yung sinasabi niya lagi na butterflies on my stomach. Tapos sinabi pa niya, “Gusto ko lang maging masaya ka. Pero sige. Mag-iintayan tayo. Pag-balik ko, asahan mo walang magbabago. Huh? Behave ka!” Tapos binigay ko sa kanya ang matamis kong ngiti. Gusto kong wag niyang makalimutan ang ngiti kong yon. Kasi nalabas lang naman ang ngiti kong yon nang dahil sa kanya e. then I kissed her on her forehead para lang iparamdam ko sa kanya na sobrang mahalga siya sakin at handa akong mag-antay kahit kalian. Then I said, “Sige ATE Candice, Nothing will change.” Tapos tinawag na yung flight number niya. Waaa. Aalis na talaga si Ate Candice. Hiwakan ko nang mahigpit yung mga maliliit niyang kamay. May gusto pa sana akong sabihin sa kanya pero kailangan na talaga niyang umalis. Nagpaalam na siya sa mama niya,sa papa niya, sa mga kapatid niya at sa mga pamangkin niya. Naiiyak ako. Sobra. At habang palayo na siya ng palayo sakin, sinasabi kosa sarili ko na, “Ate Candice, babalik ka huh? Intayin mo ko, at iintayin din kita. Sobrang mahal kita.” Pero hindi ko na nasabi sa kanya yon at kumaway nalang ako sa kanya habang may luha sa mga mata ko. “Mamimiss kita ate Candice.”

It’s been 5 years ng pag-aantay. Pero ang 5 years nay un ay para lang 1 araw na pag-aantay sa kanya. Excited na ako sa pagbabalik niya. Excited na akong makita niya akong ganito. Yung bang may edad na. 21 na ako ngayon. Talagang pinag-pray ko kay Lord na ihanda niya ako sa muli naming pagkikita ni ate Candice. Gusto ko na ulit makita ang maamo niyang mukha. Gusto ko na ulit pisilin ang mataba niyang pisngi. Gusto ko na ulit hawakan ang maliliit niyang kamay. Gusto ko na ulit siyang makasama. Pinaghandaan ko talaga ang pagkikita namin. Halos 2 days bago siya umuwi,naghahanda na ako. Gusto ko maging memorable sa kanya ang pagbabalik niya. Hindi nalang ako sumama sa pag sundo sa kanya sa airport dahil gusto kong maging mas special toh. Pinakiusapan ko pa ang mama niya na sabihing minsan nalang ako makita ng mama niya kahitparang araw-araw ko naman talaga sila binibisita. For 5 years, nag-aral akong mag gitara at kumanta para maharana ko siya. Narinig ko nang may nagbubukas na ng gate nila. Nasa 3rd floor nila ako. Nag-ayos talaga ang ng sobra dito. Tapos sabi ng mama, “Candice, punta ka nga sa 3rd floor.” Siguro nagtataka si Ate Candice kung bakit siya pinapa-akyat ng mama niya, “Bakit naman mama?” Iniimagine ko ang mukha niya, alam kong wala parin nagbago sa kanya, maganda parin siya. Siya parin ang Ate Candice ko 5 years ago. Nagkakatuwang isipin na ngayon, isang floor nalang ang pagitan naming. Kung noon, millions miles ang pagitan naming, pero ngayon isang floor nalang! Waaaa! Gusto ko nang bumaba at yakapin siya pero hindi ko magawa dahil masisira ang mga plano ko. Bigla siyang nagsalita,  Natatawa ako kasi ako ang hinahanap niya. Mahal niya nga rin ako. Inintay niya rin ako. Ang saya ko. Sobra! Tapos narinig ko na yung yapak niya na papataas na sa 3rd floor. Masunurin talaga si Ate Candice! Tapos sumigaw siya, “WAAAAA! MAMA!”Umakyat naman ang mama niya at tinanong siya, “Ano naman yon?” Ano nga ba yon? Waaa. Bababa ba ako? Hindi! Relax ka lang Alex! Makikita mo nadin siya. Ayan na siya! Tapos sabi niya, “Bakit may rose petals?” Ah Ah! Grabe lang si Ate Candice! Ganun padin talaga siya. “Ay… Yun lang pala! Basta umakyat ka na nga lang” sabi naman ng mama niya. Unti-unti ko nang nakikita ang dulo ng ulot niya. Ang maganda niyang buhod, ang noo niya na madalas kong halikan, ang pisngi niya na madalas kong pisilin, at ang mukha niya napakaganda. Sinimulan ko nang pagtugtugin ang gitara ko at kinanta ko yung “Kasama kang tumanda” Hindi naman talaga naming favorite toh, pero ito ang kinanta ko dahil gusto ko siyang makasamang tumanda. Kahit makulubot na ang mukha niya, at kahit pumuti na ang mga buhok niya, siya parin ang pinaka magandang babae para sakin. *Guitar Strum*

Itong awiting ito

Ay alay sayo

Sintunado man tong

Mga pangako sayo

Ang gusto ko lamang

Kasama kang tumanda

Patatawanin kita

Pag hindi ka masaya

Bubuhatin kita

Pag nirayuma ka na

O kay sarap isipin

Kasama kang tumanda

Sasamahan kahit kailanman

Humigit kumulang di mabilang

Tatlumpung araw sa isang buwan

Umabot man tayo sa three thousand one

Loves na loves parin kita

Kahit bungi bungi ka na

Para sa akin ikaw parin

Pinaka magandang nilalang

O kay sarap isipin

Kasama kang tumanda

At nangangako sayo

Pag sinagot mong oo

Iaalay sayo buong puso ko

Sumangayon ka lamang

Kasama kang tumanda

Lahat ng sinabi ko sa kanta ay kulang pa sa gusto kong sabihin sa kanya. Tapos narinig ko siya, “Alex…” Nakita ko ding may luha siya. Lumapit ako sa kanya at kinapitan ko ang pisngi niya habang pinapahid ko ang mga luha niya, “Ate Candice, wag ka na umiyak, inintay kita, sabi ko naman sayo di ba? Kahit anong mangyari, ikaw parin.” Tapos sinuntok niya ako. Hindi naman masakit yung suntok niya kasi walang force. HAHA. Ang cute niya talaga. “Akala ko nakalimutan mo na ang usapan natin e.” Hay. Hindi ako makapaniwalang nasa harapan ko muli ang taong pinakamamahal ko. “Hmm. Bakit ko naman kakalimutan yon? Ate Candice, 21 na ako. Graduate nadin ako sa college at nagtatrabaho na ako sa isang Christian company. Isa nalang ang kulang ate, ikaw.” Nakita ko ang mga mata niya na tumingin sa mga mata ko. Para ko nadin tinitingnan ang mundo ko. “Alex, ang laki mo na. Binata ka na. And I think you’re ready now.” Tapos biglang may fireworks, “Pati ba yan kasali sa surprise mo sakin?” Tinanong niya ako. Kaya inakbayan ko siya at humarap kami sa fireworks display habang sinabi ko sa kanya, “Oo. Isa kasi yan sa pangarap mo diba? Ang manood ng fireworks kasama ang taong mahal mo. Sabi ko naman sayo gagawin ko lahat e.” Tumawa siya at sinabing, “At talaga nag aassume ka na na ikaw ang mahal ko noh?” Tinignan ko siya sa mata at kinapitan ang kamay niya, “Oo. Ako nga ang una mong hinanap nung dumating ka dito e” Tapos sinuntok na naman niya ako. Tumakbo naman ako at nahabulan kaming dalawa. Ang saya talaga. Kasama ko nanaman ang mahal ko. Tapos nagkasalubong kami. Nabunggo ko siya kaya muntikan na siya matumba, niyakap ko naman siya para hindi siya mahulog.Tiningnan ko naman siya sa mga mata niya tsaka ko tinanong, “Will you be my girlfriend?” Dinagdag ko pa, “Dun sa limang taon na wala ka, ikaw lang ang iniisip ko. Naging Dean’s Lister nga ako dahil sa pagiging sobrang inspired ko sayo. Mahal na mahal kita Ate Candice.  At sa araw-araw na namimiss kita, mas lalong lumalalim ang pagmamahal ko sayo. I love you, ate.” Tapos niyakap niya ako. Mahigpit na mahipit. Tapos tiningnan niya din ako sa mga mata ko, “Alex, sa five years na yun. You never left my mind. In fact, sa bawat bansa na pinupuntahan ko, ikaw ang naiisip kong kasama ko. Kaya ayun. Nagpipicture ako sa lahat ng pupuntahan ko at pinapaframe ko para pag binigay ko sayo, para mo nadin napuntahan ang mga napuntahan ko. Actually, isang bag na nga yung pasalubong ko sayo. Puro something na galing sa bawat napuntahan ko.” Tapos umalis siya at kinuha yung bag na pasalubong niya sakin. Wow huh? Isang maleta! HAHA. Tapos binuksan namin isa-isa yung mga box na nandun. Bawat binubuksan namin na box, kinukwento niya yung mga karanasan niya sa mga yun.Ang daldal niya talaga kahit kailan. Pero habang nagkekwento siya, nakatingin lang ako sa kanya tapos bigla niya akong sinampal, “Nakikinig ka ba? Hmmm” Bigla naman ako natauhan, “Oo naman. Nakikinig ako, habang tinititigan ka.” Napangiti lang siya. Kinikilig siguro toh. Sarap kasi niyang titigan. “Hmm. Sige na nga. Alex…” Tinawag na naman niya ako. Bakit ganun? Ang sarap pakinggan ng pangalan ko pag siya ang nagsabi. “Bakit po?” tanong ko sa kanya at bigla naman niyan kinapitan ang mga kamay ko at sinabing, “Mahal din kita.”

Candice POV

Habang nasa byahe ako galing sa airport, naiinis ako. Naiinis ako na siya yung inaasahan kong magpunta sa airport para sunduin ako pero wala siya. Siya pa naman din ang nagpupumilit na intayin ko siya pero ito na at nawawala nalang bigla-bigla. Dumating na kami sa bahay, “Candice, punta ka nga sa 3rd floor.” Biglang utos sakin ni mama pagdating naming sa bahay. Bakit kaya? Anong meron? Hindi naman sinasabi ni mama sakin ang dahilan at ngumiti nalang siya sakin. “Hindi ba talaga magpapakita sakin yung batang yun? Hmm. Kainis naman oh.” Tinanong ko nalang ang sarili ko. Gusto ko siyang makita! Gusto ko siyang makasama! Pero bakit ganito? Bakit wala siya? Umakyat nalang ako. Nasa hagdan na ako pa-3rd floor nang makita ko na napaka daming rose petals sa dinadaanan ko, “Waaaa! MAMA!” Napasigaw nalang ako. Grabe kasi! Bakit ganito? Mejo nagegets ko na toh e. Nandito siguro si Alex. Waa. Lord! Sana andito nga po siya! Hanggang ayun, dahan-dahan akong umakyat sa 3rd floor at nakita ko nga siya. Waaa. Binata na siya. Hindi na siya mukhang totoy. Ang gwapo niya lalo. HAHA. Tapos bigla nalang siyang kumanta ng “Kasama kang tumanda” Kinikilig ako!!! Hindi ko naman favorite tong kantang toh pero alam kong way niya toh para sabihin na gusto niyang tumanda nang kasama ako. Yun din naman ang gusto ko. Naiyak nalang ako at binanggit ko nalang bigla ang pangalan niya, “Alex…” Tapos nilapitan niya ako para pahirin ang mga luha ko. “Ate Candice, wag ka na umiyak, inintay kita, sabi ko naman sayo di ba? Kahit anong mangyari, ikaw parin.” Tapos sinuntok ko nalang siya bigla. Haha. Walang force abah. “Akala ko nakalimutan mo na ang usapan natin e.” Tapos tiningnan niya ako sa mga mata ko habang sinasabi, “Hmm. Bakit ko naman kakalimutan yon? Ate Candice, 21 na ako. Graduate nadin ako sa college at nagtatrabaho na ako sa isang Christian company. Isa nalang ang kulang ate, ikaw.” Waaa. Wala akong masabi. Napaka speechless ko ngayong mga panahong toh. Kaya sabi ko nalang sa kanya, “Alex, ang laki mo na. Binata ka na. And I think you’re ready now.” Tapos bigla namang may fireworks. Isa kaya toh surprise niya? Nakakatuwa naman. Pangarap ko toh e. At pangarap kong gawin toh kasama ang taong mahal ko. Inakbayan niya ako habang nanonood kami ng fireworks. At sabi niya, “Isa kasi yan sa pangarap mo diba? Ang manood ng fireworks kasama ang taong mahal mo. Sabi ko naman sayo gagawin ko lahat e.” Wow huh? Talagang sure na siyang mahal ko siya. HAHAHA. “At talaga nag aassume ka na na ikaw ang mahal ko noh?” Natatawa kong tanong sa kanya. Ewan ba dito sa batang toh. Napaka – cool lang niya. Confident na confident! HAHA “Oo. Ako nga ang una mong hinanap nung dumating ka dito e” sagot naman niya. Waaa. Ganyanan huh? Sinuntok ko siya at nagkulitan naman kami. Nagtumakbo na kami sa 3rd floor namin. Ito ang namiss ko samin e. Ang mga childish na kulitan namin. Sana ganito nalang kami lagi. Ang I want to be this happy with him. Tapos muntik na akong matumba dahil nakabunggo ko siya. Pero sinalo niya ako at niyakap. And awkwardly, he looked into my eyes and said, “Will you be my girlfriend? Dun sa limang taon na wala ka, ikaw lang ang iniisip ko. Naging Dean’s Lister nga ako dahil sa pagiging sobrang inspired ko sayo. Mahal na mahal kita Ate Candice.  At sa araw-araw na namimiss kita, mas lalong lumalalim ang pagmamahal ko sayo. I love you, ate.” Waaaaa. Sa sobrang haba ng sinabi niya sakin, natandaan ko lang ang salitang ‘mahal kita’ at and ‘will you be my girlfriend’. Speechless. Hindi ko alam ang isasagot ko kahit alam kong isa lang naman ang sagot ko, isang matamis lang naman na OO. Kaya sinabi ko nalang, “Alex, sa five years na yun. You never left my mind. In fact, sa bawat bansa na pinupuntahan ko, ikaw ang naiisip kong kasama ko. Kaya ayun. Nagpipicture ako sa lahat ng pupuntahan ko at pinapaframe ko para pag binigay ko sayo, para mo nadin napuntahan ang mga napuntahan ko. Actually, isang bag na nga yung pasalubong ko sayo. Puro something na galing sa bawat napuntahan ko.” Then umalis ako at napunta sa baba para kuhanin. Mabigat yun huh. Isang maleta lang naman kasi yun. HAHA.Tapos iniisa-isa namin yung mga pasalubong ko sa kanya. Tapos kinukwentohan ko narin siya at the same time. Pero mukha naman siyang hindi nakikinig eh at nakatingin lang siya sakin kaya sinampal ko siya, “Nakikinig ka ba? Hmmm” Bigla naman siya nagulat sa ginawa ko. Hmmm. “Oo naman. Nakikinig ako, habang tinititigan ka.” Napangiti ako. Sobrang kinikilig ako. Punong-puno nang kuryente ang katawan ko. Sabi ko nalang sa kanya “Hmm. Sige na nga. Alex…” May sasabihin ako sa kanya. At alam kong matagal narin niyang inantay ang panahon na sasabihin ko sa kanya toh. “Bakit po?” Tanong niya sakin. Tiningnan ko nalang siya sa mata at hinawakan ko ang mga kamay niya at sinabing “Mahal din kita.” Matagal nadin ang inantay ko para sabihin sa kanya yon. At nararamdaman kong pareho na kaming handa ngayon. Kahit 7 years pa ang agwat ng edad namin sa isa’t-isa, mahal naman ang isa’t-isa. Ang sarap sabihin sa kanya ng mga words na yun. And I want to tell him those words everyday. Alam kong sobrang saya niya ngayon. Kaya hindi ko tinanggal ang mga mata ko sa pagtingin sa mga mata niya. Gusto ko palaging titigan ang mga matang yon. Ang mga mata na nakakita ng sakin in a different way. After I said those words, he hugged me and said, “I love you more with the love of the Lord. I can’t say more, basta mahal kita. Mahal na mahal kita. And I want to spend my whole life with you.” Awww. That’s just the sweetest words I heard. I hugged him back as he places his lips unto my forehead. I lay down on his chest. I never felt so comportable before. But lying down on his chest was a great feeling. I never knew that I would love this boy who became a man. I love this man who waited for me as I wait for him. He who loves God like I love God, who loves God more than he loves me, and more than himself, more than anything else. And he said, “Hmmm. Sabi ko naman sayo pag 21 na ako, boyfriend mo na ako. Mahal na mahal kita.”

It’s true that age doesn’t really matter. Kahit gaano pa kalaki ang age gap niyo, you can be in love. Kahit gaano ka pa katagal mag-antay sa taong mahal mo, basta mahal mo siya, aantayin mo siya. Loving someone who is younger is not a sin; you just have to wait for the right time and for the right situation.

Original Story by : Rio Krizelle Rana

Based on: Nothing! Imagination lang toh. Wag isipin na nageexsist ang storyang toh.:D